humor

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."

"I'd probably describe my sense of humor as 'twisted,' I guess. It's not hard to make me laugh, especially when I'm surrounded by my close friends, especially my bandmates."

"Edward Norton and I have known each other awhile. I just think he's the real deal, supremely talented and smart. He's got a great sense of humor."

"A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise."

"No adolescent ever wants to be understood, which is why they complain about being misunderstood all the time."

"I like knocking on strangers’ doors, and when they answer and say hello, I respond, “I have returned, as prophesied.” Then I just stand there staring at them."

"Love is a bronze statue sinking in quicksand. But if I hand you a lasso, will you try to save the statue—or use the lasso to hang yourself? If you need me, I’ll be here to kick the chair out from under your feet."

"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."

"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

"An elite confederacy of nerds. My peeps"

"I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"The canvas isn’t empty. It’s full of whatever you imagine it to be full of. My art is so conceptual that not only do I not tell, but I don’t even show. All I do is sign the canvas and try to sell it."

"No one in the world gets what they want and that is beautiful."

"A strong sense of humor, a really awesome personality, and maturity is also really important in a boyfriend. I tend to only be attracted to older guys for that reason. I just love guys who have a really strong sense of who they are."

"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."

"It's your outlook on life that counts. If you take yourself lightly and don't take yourself too seriously, pretty soon you can find the humor in our everyday lives. And sometimes it can be a lifesaver."

"I had a dream about you last night... you were a giant slinky and I watched you fall down the stairs."

"People in real life don't get ballplayers' humor, the way we talk in the clubhouse."

"Denzel Washington has a great sense of humor. He did all those 'Nutty Professor' movies."