humor

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."

"Perhaps naively I thought people understand what humor was, that it was invented by the human race to cope with the dark areas of life, problems and terrors."

"I have to return some videotapes"

"Mysteries force a man to think, and so injure his health."

"I'm the terrorist, do what I say or I'll terrorize you."

"We’ll never survive!” “Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has."

"Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye."Checkmate, bitch,"Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king."

"I mean, really. Who sends their kid to boarding school? It's so Hogwarts. Only mine doesn't have cute boy wizards or magic candy or flying lessons."

"Part of my humor is the fact that I love coming out of left field. I don't want people to expect what is going to happen next."

"I sell soap. Buy two bars and get a FREE shower. (Water not included.) Act within the next 15 minutes and I’ll even throw in the towel. I quit!"

"I have wit in my work and a sense of humor, but I do not use irony in any way."

"Half-assing it twice isn’t giving it 100%, but both can be yours for the one-time low-price of half off. Also on SALE now: My love. Order yours today."

"Don't wreck a sublime chocolate experience by feeling guilty.Chocolate isn't like premarital sex. It will not make you pregnant.And it always feels good."

"Because this absolutely insane - the craziest thing I'd ever done. Worse than giving a one-star review, scarier than asking for an interview with an author I'd give my firstborn to eat lunch with, more stupid than kissing Daemon."

"Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go around looking for it, and I think it can be poisonous. I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, 'Please — a little less love, and a little more common decency'."

"Poor David Hume is dying fast, but with more real cheerfulness and good humor and with more real resignation to the necessary course of things, than any whining Christian ever dyed with pretended resignation to the will of God."

"A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires."

"The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons."

"I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light."

"The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile."