humor

"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."

"I'm all for all for one, especially when I'm the one. That's my philosophy when the dinner bill arrives at the table."

"I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it."

"THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police."

"It is a great thing to start life with a small number of really good books which are your very own."

"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."

"Elizabeth: "Your balls, Mr. Darcy?"Darcy: "They belong to you, Miss Bennett."

"He studied my appearance carefully. “You cut your hair.” “Yes. Do you like it?” “That depends. How long is it?” I pulled a curl down and showed him it ended just past my shoulder. He grunted, “That’s still long enough, so I like it.” “Long enough for what?” “Long enough for a man to run his hands through."

"I don't really like coffee, she said, but I don't really like it when my head hits my desk when I fall asleep either."

"I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers."

"It unscrews the other way."

"Did you see me disarm Hermione, Harry?""Only once"said Hermione stung. "I got you loads more then you got me—""I did not only get you once, I got you at least three times—""Well if you're counting the one where you tripped over your own feet and knocked the wand out of my hand—"

"I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian."

"Humor was not important only for me, humor was important for this nation for centuries, to survive, you know."

"Humor is the oxygen of children's literature. There's a lot of competition for children's time, but even kids who hate to read want to read a funny book."

"Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads."

"I can't give a Professor love!"

"Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs."

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"Procrastinate now, don't put it off."