humor

"I make love like I make coffins—with my bare hands, alone in my garage. On sale through Thursday—Buy One Funeral, Get A Second One Free!"

"Last time I arm-wrestled, I broke my leg. Boy, what I wouldn’t do for love."

"I have a very dark sense of humor. I swear. I have a very playful relationship with Jesus."

"For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand."

"You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

"I see a light in the kitchen. Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are."

"I knew I could do it all this time,” said Harry, “Because I'd already done it... does that make sense?"

"You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!"

"I'm a pretty tenacious person; I get that from my mom. So sometimes, I use dark humor. I can't take myself too seriously."

"If you say ‘we’re in this together,’ I’m going to hurl."

"I’ve been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library."

"I’ll finish the bottle of wine, while you finish what you were saying about how good it is. If you waste no words, I’ll waste no time."

"Bravo,"said Grimalkin, peering down from Cold Tom's chest. "The Winter prince and Oberon's jester agreeing on something. The world must be ending."

"My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for."

"Even the ocean waves take their hellos to the people all the time. I should take my hellos down to the beach and sell waves to the tourists."

"I wish I could grow swords like I can roses. Wouldn’t war be so romantic then? Then the U.S. could really show the world how much it loves it."

"I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny."

"I don't understand how people canstand next to you one year,and next year, they cannot. They're going crazy, screaming. They can't take it that you're there. But last year I was in the same club,walking around,lonely like a motherfucker. Couldn't get a date or a dance. I was too skinny, too something,and now, "He's just adorable. He's just, oh!"

"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing non-verbal spells, Potter?""Yes,"said Harry stiffly."Yes, sir.""There's no need to call me "sir"Professor."The words had escaped him before he knew what he was saying."

"What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.“Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.”She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."