humor

"Isn't it strange that I know you'd risk your life to save mine, but I don't even know what your favorite color is?"

"Her dancing inspires me to move. I used to be like a statue, and now I am more like a mannequin. So much more fashionable, you know?"

"God helps those who strut their stuff."

"Everyone is flailing through this life without an owner's manual, with whatever modicum of grace and good humor we can manage."

"Laughter is carbonated holiness."

"President Ford used humor a great deal."

"I read the fuck out of every book I can get my hands on."

"On a scale of 1 to extroverted, I’m a 3.14159. So is pi. I network like “the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.” Thanks, Wikipedia!"

"If you want to catch beasts you don't see every day,You have to go places quite out of the way,You have to go places no others can get to.You have to get cold and you have too get wet, too."

"I’m such an alcoholic that I go to church just for communion."

"Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude."

"To find out if she really loved me, I hooked her up to a lie detector. And just as I suspected, my machine was broken."

"A study in the Washington Post says that women havebetter verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh."

"Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"

"I'll go,"he said."And that's safer because?""I'm a guy.""Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible how?"

"For some stories, it's easy. The moral of 'The Three Bears,' for instance, is "Never break into someone else's house.' The moral of 'Snow White' is 'Never eat apples.' The moral of World War I is 'Never assassinate Archduke Ferdinand."

"I want everything I do to have humor in it, because it seems to me that all of life has that."

"If I could bronze my love, it’d be worthy of a silver medal."

"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale."

"You know what the fellow said – in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."