humor

"Cheeses crusty, got all musty, got damp on the stone of a peach,” I agreed. He looked blank, so I repeated it with proper emphasis. “ ChEEZ-zes crusty. Got Al -musty. Got DAMp on the StoneofapeaCH."

"I love a girl with a sense of humor. Someone who can make me laugh and that I can get along with and talk with and who is just sweet overall, inside and out."

"Funny is a good foil. Humor is illuminating, and it also gives you power."

"People can do great things. However, there are some things they just CAN'T do. I, for instance, have not been able to transform myself into a Popsicle, despite years of effort."

"I want to start a business making mint-flavored sunshine that comes in a can half full of meow-free rainbows. (Leprechauns sold separately.)"

"Intelligent men are dangerous."

"I’m forever near a stereo saying, ‘What the fuck is this garbage?’ And the answer is always the Red Hot Chili Peppers."

"I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed."

"I wrote you a love letter, and I sent it snail mail. Love is forever, and that’s about how long it’ll take to get to you."

"The good, the bad, and the ugly basically sums up my sex life. Except that I’ve never had the good."

"Last weekend I went out of my comfort zone to go hang out with people I’d only heard about, and I met one new person who turned out to be a very valuable contact. I should try networking at my family reunions more often, because that’s how I finally met my dad."

"I’ve changed, and she’s changed, but we haven’t changed together. We were in separate dressing rooms the whole time we dated."

"I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones."

"In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose."

"I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?"

"Humor writing requires a rhythm and timing, as well as some kind of connection to the reader, and I think that's how I tap into it."

"I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not funny."

"Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles."

"Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."

"One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine."