humor

"Life... is like a grapefruit. Well, it's sort of orangey-yellow and dimpled on the outside, wet and squidgy in the middle. It's got pips inside, too. Oh, and some people have half a one for breakfast."

"I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed."

"If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind."

"Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out."

"Try to find someone with a sense of humor. That's an important thing to have because when you get into an argument, one of the best ways to diffuse it is to be funny. You don't want to hide away from a point, because some points are serious, but you'd rather have a discussion that was a discussion, rather than an argument."

"The Princess Andromeda?""Went ka-boom."

"Tomorrow is promised to no one."

"Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on TheeAnd I'll forgive Thy great big one on me."

"A man's true character comes out when he's drunk."

"I want to write the Boston Marathon of run-on sentences. And since it'll be so long, I'll replace all the commas with the word Gatorade, to help push people through it."

"Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom."

"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff."

"My shining dishonesty will be the salvation of me."

"When I was young, my favorite picture book was 'Fletcher and Zenobia,' written by Edward Gorey and illustrated by Victoria Chess. It's long out of print now, but its mix of macabre humor and 1960s psychedelia made it a perfect children's book for the times."

"Mary had a little lamb, its fleece electrostatic / And everywhere Mary went, the lights became erratic."

"You haven’t seen nothing until you’ve seen zero. You also haven’t seen nothing until you’ve seen all the love I have for politicians."

"I think in my case, I had no choice but to have a good sense of humor. I grew up with my dad, Danny Thomas, and George Burns and Bob Hope and Milton Berle and Sid Caesar and all those guys were at our house all the time and telling jokes and making each other laugh."

"My name represents me, but it’s not who I am. It’s just a collection of letters. Unfortunately, none of them are love letters."

"I'm not really big on slapstick humor. I like gentle humor."

"Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable."