humor

"People tell me I look like my father. I've never seen my dad, so does that mean I look invisible?"

"People who know me, they know I have a sense of humor, I'm a bit of a joker, a bit of a clown really, and I would love someone to exploit that side of me and send me a romantic comedy."

"It's a black and white issue: gray is grey, and there's no two ways about it."

"In the household in which I was raised, the themes were pretty simple. 'Work hard. Don't quit. Be appreciative, be thankful, be grateful, be respectful. Also, never whine, never complain. And always, for crying out loud, keep a sense of humor.'"

"I’m so restless when I rest that I make sleepwalkers look like statues. If The Thinker could run 26.2 miles, it would need a baseball glove to catch me."

"Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless."

"Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m drowning in my love for you."

"Humor - I see it as a survival skill."

"I drink like a fish, and I swim in my thirst. I’m so parched for her love that I think I may drown in my desire."

"Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?"

"Hotel hallways should have conveyer belts for floors, so I can feel like a grocery item on vacation. I guess I’m just a romantic."

"Everything stinks till it’s finished."

"If my doctor told me I had only six minutes to live, I wouldn't brood. I'd type a little faster."

"Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it."

"Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental."

"If you have a broken heart, I’d like to fix it. Repairs start at just $69. Special delivery charges may apply."

"As much as I want to make love to you, I’d rather make love to your clone."

"The love of books is among the choicest gifts of the gods."

"Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."

"I've had a very laughable career and what has seen me through is my sense of humor."