humor

"We get the worrywart, the hypochondriac, the money-grubbing miser, the intractable negotiator... Some would say certain of these refer to the stereotypical, or 'stage' Jew. But objectively speaking, the only crime in humor is an unfunny joke."

"Comedy is difficult for an actor. But I think I have a good sense of humor and manage to make people laugh and make them happy."

"Me: On time. Love: Late. Death: Early. Seriously, why are you late?"

"I can't abide people who go soft over animals and then cheat every human they come across!"

"I water fake plants, because I’m growing a garden of fake mustaches. Lest no man (or woman) question my ability as a lover."

"Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing."

"Everyone knows revenge is a dish best served when you've had enough time to build up enough vitriol and fury."

"Another relative?"Valek asked.A broad smile stretched Moon Man's lips. "Yes. I am her mother's uncle's wife'sthird cousin."--Valek and Moon Man"

"I bet,"said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything."

"I have gone temporarily deaf and haven't any idea what you said, Harry."

"My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health."

"I know a thing or two about love. Well, maybe just a thing. A big, blurry thing, like Bigfoot."

"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."[I saw hate in a graveyard -- Stephen Fry, The Guardian, 5 June 2005]"

"Haven't you ever heard of the saying, "If you want to shoot the general, first shoot the horse!"?' --LinIf you wanna shoot the general, then you should just SHOOT THE GENERAL!' --Ed"

"A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise."

"Somebody says, 'Do a Tom Bodett, a folksy kind of thing,' and it sounds like something out of 'Hee Haw,' very insulting. They turn wry humor into disparaging sarcasm, and you get what amounts to insulting advertising."

"I keep water in my pockets, as portable fish tanks. My love letters often get soggy with sentimentality."

"The combination of landing the biggest interview of my career and having a drill in my back reminds me that God only gives us what we can handle and that it helps to have a good sense of humor when we run smack into the absurdity of life."

"Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days."

"She talks like you. It’s not every day you hear a four-year-old say Prince Charming is a douchebag who’s only holding Cinderella back.” "That’s my girl."