humor

"You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And you always double-knot your shoelaces."

"Ask me if I sparkle and I’ll kill you where you stand.” (Bones)"

"Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not; or that you feel good this morning; or that it is a morning to be good on?"

"There are two ways to look at life. The first view is that nothing stays the same and that nothing is inherently connected, and that the only driving force in anyone's life is entropy. The second is that everything pretty much stays the same (more or less) and that everything is completely connected, even if we don't realize it."

"Dali had a good sense of humor - obviously you could tell just looking at him; he was funny."

"I love Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart because they're bringing irony back into American humor, which is a delicious treat. The entire Colbert persona of being extreme right-wing when he's not at all is highly amusing. He does it so well, but sometimes a little too well. My wife is convinced he's completely that way."

"If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them."

"If you fail to report within the next 12 hours. you will be terminated. If you attack any humans, you will be terminated. If you attempt to remove the tracking device, you will be terminated. We look forward to working with you."

"Now what state do you live in?''Denial."

"Every time I annoy him he retreats into his No Mundanes Allowed tree house."Simon pointed at Jace."

"I had a dream about you. I told you I loved you, and you stopped folding clothes, turned to look me in my eyes, and replied, “The cat food on the moon is probably all dry.” Then I started crying, because up until that point I had no idea that I meant that much to you and I was overjoyed with raw emotion."

"Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE."

"If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people."

"I think it's kinda nice.' And I did. my mom isn't famous for her pies. No, she's famous for defusing a nuclear device in Brussels with only a pair of cuticle scissors and a ponytail holder. Somehow, at the moment, pies seemed cooler."

"How can a person deal with anxiety? You might try what one fellow did. He worried so much that he decided to hire someone to do his worrying for him. He found a man who agreed to be his hired worrier for a salary of $200,000 per year. After the man accepted the job, his first question to his boss was, "Where are you going to get $200,000 per year?"To which the man responded, "That's your worry."

"I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off."

"Leonard Cohen has a way with words and with humor that remind me to lighten up, which I appreciate very much."

"I may not be smart enough to do everything, but I am dumb enough to try anything."

"I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails."

"Chocolate is God's apology for brocolli"