humor

"You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither."

"Student: Dr. Einstein, Aren't these the same questions as last year's [physics] final exam?Dr. Einstein: Yes; But this year the answers are different."

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television."

"You've got no sense of humor.""I'm going to laugh really hard after I kick your ass."

"You should save your hard-earned dollars, because one day when you have no electricity you'll need a big stash to burn to keep yourself warm."

"Americans are pragmatic, relatively uncomplicated, hearty and given to broad humor."

"Dear God in heaven.” Nik and Ban turned away, but Alek stood. Transfixed. “My God, y’all. She’s the worst goddamn dancer I’ve ever seen.” “Turn away. It’ll hurt your eyes. Turn away!"

"EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--But if you’re a worm, sleep late."

"I don't think that because you die and move on to somewhere else that you lose your sense of humor."

"A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?"

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him will believeth in anything. - Hitchens 3:16"

"A lot of people into Tool, for some reason, are not interested in humor."

"Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too."

"Humor - I see it as a survival skill."

"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come."

"What...what about when I'm married?”“We'll buy a cot. Your husband can sleep on that when he visits."

"The only difference between Hitler and Bush is that Hitler was elected."

"Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)"

"But if you read Jane Austen, you know that she had a wicked sense of humor. Not only was she funny, but her early writing was very dark and had a gothic tone to it."

"I had a dream about you. You took a cruise, and I took a canoe. I paddled alongside your ship out into the Atlantic Ocean and down to the Caribbean. I shouted “I love you” the whole way, but you couldn’t hear me, probably because that man you were with was talking the whole time."