#humor

"Well, I’m not kissing the mundane,"said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot.""Forever?"said Simon. "Forever’s an awfully long time."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it,"he said. "You want to kiss me, don’t you?"

"I love coffee cake, but I would prefer if it were just a little more drinkable. I almost choked while chugging some this morning, and if it weren’t for the fluid nature of clownfish, I might have caught feelings for Hillary using a basketball net."

"Are you tired, irritable, or suffering from heartburn? Ask your doctor if my love is right for you. 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 9 out of 10 is 90%."

"The meek may inherit the earth, but at the moment it belongs to the conceited. Like me."

"An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it."

"She’s ignoring my texts. Maybe she’s dead. Oh, I certainly hope so. I’d hate to think she’s being deliberately unresponsive."

"If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?"

"What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing myself. Am I the ideal leader? Let’s just say that if I were running for political office, I know who I’d vote for—twice."

"In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded."

"Enigmatic Real Estate I choose to live on the edge of mysterywith its inscrutable view of complexityhedged by perplexity.Also, there's a Walmart nearby."

"If you were me, then I'd be you, and if I were you, then I'd hide somewhere far away."

"I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know."

"I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real."

"THE WOMAN WAS GOING TO KILL HIM, and not because she was stronger and more vicious than he was. Which, if he thought about it, she was. He’d never ripped a man’s throat out with his teeth, and he was damned impressed that Gwen had. She’d made the Lords of the Underworld look like marshmallows."

"Crest Toothpaste: Look, Ma, no cavities!... ...that'll really piss off the TSA agents looking for contraband."

"Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me."

"Falling in love is painful on the knees."

"A true friend is a gift from God. Since God doesn't exist, guess what? Neither do true friends."

"I hope you're pleased with yourselves. We could all have been killed - or worse, expelled. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to bed."

"Original Thoughts [10w] Original thoughts are not diminished by days, distance or disregard."