#humor

"Calvin: Why are you crying mom?Mom: I'm cutting up an onion.Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables."

"I don’t want to develop—I want to evelop, because it’s more positive. Similarly, would you rather your love evolve or devolve? That’s why if you need me, I’ll be on the sofa trying to evelop myself as a person."

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence."

"Punctuation, is? fun!"

"YOU FEAR TO DIE?"It's not that I don't want... I mean, I've always...it's just that life is a habit that's hard to break..."

"I gave her a broken watch, to symbolize that my love for her is forever and timeless. And as an excuse to why I’m always late."

"I’m a little more reserved in person than people expect. But I warm up quickly, like leftovers. Meatloaf, anyone?"

"Steer Clear [10w] Avoid alliances with anyone who's more to gain than you."

"It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom."

"A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman."

"ESL New immigrantswho've taken ESL (English as a Second Language),will always misunderstand sarcasm ~but those fuckers sure as shit enjoy the prices at Walmart."

"Hate Recycle Bin When you empty your hate recycle binit frees up more memory to write even better poetry.Just try it and tell me this isn't true!"

"All my failures as a human being I blame on my father. Life is about accepting responsibility, and it’s time my father started being held accountable for my deficiencies."

"Glow in the Dark "You've led me from stark nightwith a love that glows in the dark."

"Advice for Women at Starbucks If a vanilla latte and banana nut muffin doesn't solve the problem,perhaps you're going at it wrong."

"TV and the Internet are good because they keep stupid people from spending too much time out in public."

"I've learned that you know your husband still loves you when there are two brownies left and he takes the smaller one."

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"

"Enemies [10w] I prefer my enemies death than apologeticfor closure's sake"