#humor

"Kitten, this is my best mate, Charles, but you can call him Spade. Charles, this is Cat, the woman I’ve been telling you about. You can see for yourself that everything I’ve said is…an understatement."

"Max, you're the last of the hybrids who still has...a soul.' ... 'She doesn't have soul,' Gazzy scoffed. 'Have you ever seen her dance?"

"You’re disoriented. You just woke up. You’re in the future. You’ve been asleep for eight hours."

"Dreams like a podcast,Downloading truth in my ears.They tell me cool stuff.""Apollo?"I guess, because I figured nobody else could make a haiku that bad.He put his finger to his lips. "I'm incognito. Call me Fred.""A god named Fred?"

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote"so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."

"What you see is what you see"

"Always mystify, torture, mislead, and surprise the audience as much as possible."

"0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love."

"A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise."

"Love is like a brick. You can build a house, or you can sink a dead body."

"My ship came in,then it sank!"

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

"Great earrings would be little speakers, so she can hear better. Or maybe she just wasn’t listening all those times I told her I loved her."

"I wouldn't say I'm superficial, just averagely ficial."

"I hate when I'm at the grocery store and the person checking me out asks, "Paper or plastic?"It's offensive. As if I'm going to sleep with her just because she has a clever pick up line."

"Mmm Mmm Good Gimmick Campbell's Soup announced todayit's introducing 'QWERTY' soupfor our more computer literate children.Who are they kidding?They're just relabeling the old Alphabet Soup."

"Preachiness vs. Prose vs. Poetry A poem that says what it means is prose;if it means what it says it's a sermon.Leave the homiletics for the priestsprose for the journalistsand soulful resonancefor the poets."

"Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."