#humor

"Do Me No Favors Haiku 'Do me no favors ~I can take care of myself.So, pay the check and drive me home."

"Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that."

"If you’re going to hang around and watch me write, you might as well have a noose around your neck. Would you mind if I kicked the chair out from under your feet? You’re standing on my only place to sit."

"And it's Gryfindor in possession again, as Johnson takes the Quaffle— Flint alongside her —poke him in the eye, Angelina —it was a joke, professor, it was a joke..."

"One of the things Ford Prefect had always found hardest to understand about humans was their habit of continually stating and repeating the very very obvious."

"Whether you think you're right or you think you're wrong. You're right.""If you think in pictures, write. If you think in words, paint."

"This is a mournful discovery.1)Those who agree with you are insane2)Those who do not agree with you are in power."

"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

"Senses of humor define people, as factions, deeper rooted than religious or political opinions. When carrying out everyday tasks, opinions are rather easy to set aside, but those whom a person shares a sense of humor with are his closest friends. They are always there to make the biggest influence."

"You look as scary as a buttered muffin."

"My knowledge is mine to use as I see fit. But I’m way too out of shape to see fit."

"Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark."

"I couldn't believe I'd come this far, lost Tyson, suffered through so much, only to fail - stopped by a big stupid monster in a baby-blue tuxedo kilt. Nobody was going to swat down my friends like that! I mean...nobody, not Nobody. Ah, you know what I mean."

"I had a dream about you last night.. you were holding a pine cone and introducing him as Gerald."

"I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?"

"A gumble bee is half gum ball, half bumble bee, and it’s so chewy it stings. Makes me want to be a better lover and tractor salesman."

"That's brain tissue. How can you-?"Claire shut her mouth, fast. "Never mind. I don't think I wanna know.""Truly, I think that's best. Please take it."He showed his teeth briefly in a very unsettling grin. "I'm giving you a piece of my mind.""I so wish you hadn't said that."

"Drinking is fun! It makes me feel horrible and sexy!"

"Most scars are invisible. Damn transparent knives. Does anything cut deeper than love? I need to get some new body armor."

"To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for theexistence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably farmore. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless tapedand filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over theworld, along with documented radar evidence seen by experiencedmilitary and civilian radar operators.>>"