#humor

"An empty ketchup bottle full of romantic quotes is just what I need to turn my cheeseburger into the perfect lover. Now you can get more romantic for an upcharge of just 69 cents."

"The Poet's Limitless Imagination [10w] The stringy shit from my goldfish turns him into a kite."

"I can hold my alcohol, just like I’m a wine bottle. I dance as fluid as glass, and my heart shatters just as easily."

"From my earliest years I had always wanted to be a writer. It was not that I had any particular message for humanity. I am still plugging away and not the ghost of one so far, so it begins to look as though, unless I suddenly hit mid-season form in my eighties, humanity will remain a message short."

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"Let’s get romantic and head to bed and make meatloaf all night long. I’ll wear my Ben Bernanke beard, because it fits me like a fur coat."

"And there was that poor sucker Flaubert rolling around on his floor for three days looking for the right word."

"We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?"

"If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf."

"Now stand in the corner, and think about what you've done!"

"You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great,headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me."

"Money Can't Buy Everything [10w] Money can't buy everything ~ but love is certainly no exception."

"People go to church for the same reasons they go to a tavern: to stupefy themselves, to forget their misery, to imagine themselves, for a few minutes anyway, free and happy.-- Circular Letter to My Friends in Italy"

"Freedom [10w] You've never experienced freedom until you have nothing to lose."

"How do you feel right now?""I hurt like hell.""You'll feel worse tomorrow.""So?""So, better get a jump on this while you still feel...not as bad.""What kind of logic is that?"I retorted."

"You must have been going very fast.""I was, until I hit the fence."

"Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies"

"Children are like sponges; they start to smell after a little while."

"Life sucks, then you die. Then it sucks again."

"I tried to tell you. You said you didn't care, remember?"A muscle ticked below his eye. "You should have told me anyway.""While you had barbells within your reach? Please. I'm Disease, not Stupid."