#humor

"If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast."

"I’ve often wondered why more science textbooks don’t tell teenagers that the only thing sharks like to eat more than fish, are dead prostitutes."

"Sublime Beauty When I shut my eyes, I can move mountains.When I open them, mountains can move me."

"Someday I must read this scholar Everyone. He seems to have written so much--all of it wrong."

"She'd also called me brave...unless she was talking to the catfish."

"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."

"Men are not potatoes!"

"When I'm out of politics I'm going to run a business, it'll be called rent-a-spine"

"Do you really expect me to fall apart every time another woman throws herself at you? Because, if that's so, I'll be a nervous wreck before the honeymoon's over. Although, if they do it in front of me..."He went still. "Did you just propose to me?"She bristled. "Do you have a problem with that?"The scoreboard lit up, and he gave the world a high five. "God, I love you."

"Apparently I’m transparent—with my feelings, not with my body. I’m an emotional ghost, and if you can’t see my love for you it’s because it’s dead."

"I have a deep respect for shallow pockets. They keep politicians honest."

"Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business."

"They heard the click of the mail slot and flop of letters on the doormat. "Get the mail, Dudley,"said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper. "Make Harry get it.""Get the mail, Harry.""Make Dudley get it.""Poke him with your Smelting stick, Dudley."

"Poorly Hidden [10w] We're incapable of hiding arrogance, ambition or being in love."

"Silver is an investment. It’s like a second-place future. Makes me want to create Michael Phelps-flavored ice cream and eat a whole tub."

"Bridges [10w] Bridges are overpasses for commuters and roofs for the homeless."

"For our first date we went Dutch. We would have gone another nationality, but they are the tallest."

"You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!"

"We do need a system, and we do need you and your 'Bertos, and sometimes we need Sam to just come along and kick some ass. - Quinn"

"Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness."