#humor

"My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world."

"I didn’t give her my full attention. The bottle was half full when she started drinking. Still, from it she grew distracted, so my farming technique worked."

"Wretched [10w] Intelligence without compassion is an invitation to a wretched life."

"Clairol 2: Hair color so natural only her hairdresser knows for sure... ...but he's gay and already Tweeted it to 300 people."

"I'm the Super-sized McShizzle, man!"Leo said. "I'm Leo Valdez, bad boy supreme. And the ladies love a bad boy."

"The thirstiest bird is surely the swallow. My love is so fluid I’ll bet drinking it would give you the gift of flight."

"New York City [10w] + [10w] + {Couplet} In fast-paced New York Cityeven the bubbling brooks babble.The Hudson and East River run rabid,skirting the rabble"

"Every Small Child is a Miracle [10w] The God of small children is the one true God."

"Lost Love [10w] + {Couplet} Lost love's the season of mists,Though they are gone, memory persists."

"❞ [10w] "Let's cuddle like a quotation mark filling a blank page."

"Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log."

"Okay,"I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people."She nodded. "And so...hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?""Oh..."I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um..."

"On Wednesday, when the sky is blue,and I have nothing else to do,I sometimes wonder if it's true That who is what and what is who."- Winnie-the-Pooh"

"I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know."

"Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance."

"God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any one. But God knows I had and I lay on the bed in the room of the hospital in Milan and all sorts of things went through my head but I felt wonderful..."

"As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his appearance and started embalming on sight."

"Integrity [10w] There’s no indignity men of integrity aren’t willing to endure."

"Well, while you were in the bathroom, I sat down at this picnic table here in Bumblefug, Kentucky, and noticed that someone had carved that GOD HATES FAG, which, aside from being a grammatical nightmare, is absolutely ridiculous. So I'm changing it to 'God Hates Baguettes.' It's tough to disagree with that. Everybody hates baguettes."

"You are allowed to think whatever you want at Emory, so long as it is approved by administrators. They are watching."