#humor

"I want to read the employment section of the Bible. I think it’s simply called Job."

"♥ Love ♡ My heart skips a beat every time you walk through the door!It isn't love ~ I have an arrhythmia."

"He had a bleeding cut on his leg and he smelled like shit.Her nose wrinkled. "Step in something?"she asked innocently."That I did not mind."He took a menacing step toward her. "What I did mind was being hit by a cab, then landing on the lap of a naked man. With an erection, Anya. He had an erection."

"Cutthroat Competition [10w] If competition becomes cutthroatit suggests business has become piracy."

"Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)"

"Carlsberg: Probably the best lager in the world... ...just like IKEA is the best furniture on earth."

"Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something"

"They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference."

"Cael, come on. Stop licking the dude. That's gross."Letty let out a snort. "Please, like you don't lick dudes.""That's different,"Dex explained with a grimace. "None of those dudes were Ash. Besides, last time I checked, Ash was allergic to nuts."

"A melancholy-looking man, he had the appearance of one who has searched for the leak in life's gas-pipe with a lighted candle."

"I look up to say something but he puts his finger to my lips and whispers, “Don’t talk. You’ll just spoil my fantasy of rescuing an innocent damsel in distress as soon as you open your mouth."

"I have two ears, so why can’t I listen to two things at once? A politician only has one mouth, yet doublespeaks all the time."

"I don't have a lot of domestic instincts,"Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file."

"Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both."

"Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers."

"Here's a newsflash from the only High Preistess you have left at this dang school: Zoey isn't dead. And believe me, I know dead. I've been there, done that, and got the frickin' T-shirt."- Stevie Rae"

"There are moments, Jeeves, when one asks oneself, 'Do trousers matter?'""The mood will pass, sir."

"Off the Hook True story...A cop pulls me over for speeding.He says, "What's the hurry?"I say, "I'm running awayfrom a bad marriage."He laughs and says, "Drive carefully."The officer lets me go.Beyond the practical lesson thatmaking a policeman laugh may get you off the hook,there's a certain poetry here in the unexpected connection ~for what is a poemif not a moment of surpriseworth retelling."

"You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street."

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."