#humor

"Are you a female dog?""What?"Massie asked. "Why?""Because you are acting like a real bitch!"

"You'd be surprised how many people in the modern age no longer fear zombies as much as teletubies."

"There are two types of people in this world. People who hate clowns...and clowns. (Bobby Pendragon)"

"If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

"In the first place God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made school boards."

"I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.What can I say? I read a lot of books."

"I love sleepwalking, because when else would I get to combine exercise and rest?"

"I'm making a listI'm making a list of things I must sayFor politeness,And goodness and kindness and gentlenessSweetness and rightness:HelloPardon meHow are you?Excuse meBless youMay I?Thank youGoodbyeIf you know some that I've forgot,Please stick them in you eye!"

"Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self."

"You mean other than the wings? I once ate nine snicker bars in a row without barfing. It was a record."

"Galoshes Haiku Cherry blossoms bloomin the morning mist.Thank God I took my galoshes."

"Yeah, the whole family knows. It's no big deal. One night at dinner I said, 'Mom, you know the forbidden love that Spock has for Kirk? Well, me too.' It was easier for her to understand that way."

"You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!"

"If I convert it's because it's better that a believer dies than that an atheist does."

"When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone."

"A goal without a plan is just a wish."

"Pun vs. Puny [10w] + {Couplet} "His penis was a pun,judging by the predictable groans.The hours set by innuendos,the seconds by the moans."

"I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying."

"Explosive Heart [10w] + {Couplet} A heart that's been playedcan become a hand grenade."

"It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette."