#humor

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished."

"Silly String [10w] Life' an absurdity radiating from a spine of silly string."

"The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible."

"The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines."

"I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time."

"It’s 4:00 in the afternoon and I’m just now putting on clothes. The life of a writer is as free as the pizza I just had delivered is not."

"I'm offering you love on a stick. If you'd like, you can grab it to go. It’s like a popsicle, only it won’t melt if you put it through hell like you did with you last boyfriend."

"Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know."

"The Hand that Feeds You Don't bite the hand that feeds you ~unless you're in a haunted houseand the fucking hand isn't attached to anything."

"Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some."

"Pooh,"said Rabbit kindly, "you haven't any brain.""I know,"said Pooh humbly."

"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife."

"Holey? You have the the whole world of ear-related humor before you, you go for holey?"

"I want to get the words "Courage"and "Bravery"tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as they read them while they chase me."

"Stumble When you don't know how to end a sentence you've stumbled upon a truth."

"I can't give a Professor love!"

"Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight."

"When I buy a new book, I always read the last page first, that way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side."

"The last thing I ever wanted was to be alive when the three most powerful people on the whole planet would be named Bush, Dick and Colon."

"Rooftop Poetry Sing poetry from rooftopslike a muzzein' s call for prayer."