#humor

"No That's Bad Aim Shoot!That ass clown couldn't hit the broad side of a barnwith the smart photon torpedohe lifted from Area 51."

"Nature's Prayer [10w] + {Couplet} Trees gesticulate in morning prayer;wind circulates with cleansing air."

"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me.""I was ninety percent sure.""I see,"Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain."What the hell was that for?""The other ten percent."

"Legacy To leave a legacy,you first gotta leave your leg in the door."

"You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet."

"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires."

"Begin at the beginning,"the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

"I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights."

"Now [10w] + {Couplet} Whether you Hurry up! or P r o c r a s t i n a t e,the NOW doesn't discriminate."

"NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi."

"Underage-Killers [10w] Underage-killers like making a whooshing sound when they shoot people."

"War [10w] When leaders threaten war,they’re breaking dirt on our graves."

"See what I mean? You gotta be crazy. Ain't no time to be sane."

"Alaska State Motto North to the Future.We got highest rape and STD-rate in the nation."

"I wanted to tell her “I love you” back, but I guess in waiting for the perfect moment (the next commercial break), I ended up completely forgetting."

"We played for about half an hour before I realized we were actually playing two different games. What I’d thought of as ludo was actually a game called gin rummy, and what Warren was playing seemed to be a mixture of craps and table tennis. Once we started playing by one consistent set of rules, though, the fun was really over."

"So what? All writers are lunatics!"

"Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them."