#humor

"He smiled in a way that made me want to kiss him right on the spot. Or the lips. Whichever was closer."

"The dead are way more organized than the living."

"Fucking 3rd World Taxi Drivers [10w] Taxi drivers have ruined more vacations than tsunamis or earthquakes."

"The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise."

"Um,"Doc said in a mild voice, "medically speaking, I'm not sure that was the most helpful thing for his condition.""But I feel better,"Jared answered, sullen.Doc smiled the tiniest smile. "Well, maybe a few more minutes of unconsciousness won't kill him."

"If you own the most profitable manure distribution warehouse in the world, you might not like the smell of success."

"The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies."

"One should always be in love. That's the reason one should never marry."

"Failure: the renewable resource."

"I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight."

"You're only a man! You've not our gifts! I can tell you! Why, a woman can think of a hundred different things at once, all them contradictory!"

"Enough [10w] Enough's the only thing most people can't get enough of."

"The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit."

"Buddha (Haiku) Buddha, Enlightened,I rub your belly to blessmy Lotto ticket."

"I don't know how you persist in being so stubborn-""It's a superpower. I was bitten by a radioactive mule."

"No wonder kids grow up crazy. A cat's cradle is nothing but a bunch of X's between somebody's hands, and little kids look and look and look at all those X's . . .""And?""No damn cat, and no damn cradle."

"Familiarity breeds contempt and children."

"What is it with you today?” says Christina on the way to breakfast. Her eyes are stillswollen from sleep and her tangled hair forms a fuzzy halo around her face.“Oh, you know,” I say. “Sun shining. Birds chirping.”She raises an eyebrow at me, as if reminding me that we are in an undergroundtunnel."

"You should try not to talk so much, friend. You'll sound far less stupid that way.- Breeze"

"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own."