#humor

"Don’t Let the Dead Fish Fool You [10w] Even the eyes of a dead fish can reflect light."

"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords."

"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."

"The only moral it is possible to draw from this story is that one should never throw the Q letter into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable."

"I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills."

"He’s as tall as a tree, but he fights like a rose bush. What’s with all the scratching? I should cut him down in the name of romance."

"I like coffee tables. I’m into drinkable furniture."

"No Planning for Death [10w] People put more planning into a weekend vacation than death."

"The Refugee I packed my car with cash and valuablesand headed for the border.At the first checkpoint they took my cash.At the second they took my valuables.At the border they took my car and my shoes.I walked barefoot the last 100 feet to freedom,and was greeted with open arms by a person I didn't recognize.In time I discovered that strangerwas the me they could not take from me."

"And since I’m marrying into the Quartet, I have certain privileges and duties. If you’re sleeping with Laurel—”“I’m not sleeping with Laurel. We’re dating.”“Right, and the two of you are just going to hold hands, admire the moon, and sing camp songs.”“For a while. Minus the singing."

"The human digestive tract is like the Amtrak line from Seattle to Los Angeles: transit time is about thirty hours, and the scenery on the last leg is pretty monotonous."

"I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education."

"The reason for the unreason with which you treat my reason , so weakens my reason that with reason I complain of your beauty."

"Could we wear spandex and blow things up?"

"Money [10w] The root of all evil has a well earned reputation."

"If you converted a water fountain into a fire fountain, then you’d have what it takes to stoke the heat I have for you in my heart."

"Aujourd'hui, on cherche partout à répandre le savoir; qui sait si, dans quelques siècles, il n'y aura pas des universités pour rétablir l'ancienne ignorance?"

"Misfortune Misfortune is but a stepping stone to great fortune ~especially if your slip and fall was possibly caused by negligenceand you get yourself a good Jew lawyer to sue the parties responsible."

"They'd Rather Switch [10w] Hearing is wasted on the blind;sight, on the deaf."

"Vapers I bought a vape pen from a vaporium.The vapologist advised meto get the model with the refillable vape tank.When the fuck did smoking become so vapid?"