#humor

"The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker."

"Everything I’ve ever done, ever thought, ever experienced, and ever felt, has led me up to this moment in my life. And after accumulating and culminating it, all I can say is, “Ahhhhh!"

"I feel like getting married, or committing suicide, or subscribing to L'Illustration. Something desperate, you know."

"New York Haiku "My monthly rent checkis more than you will make inyour fucking lifetime."

"I'm making a listI'm making a list of things I must sayFor politeness,And goodness and kindness and gentlenessSweetness and rightness:HelloPardon meHow are you?Excuse meBless youMay I?Thank youGoodbyeIf you know some that I've forgot,Please stick them in you eye!"

"You didn't have to come after me.""Yes, I did,"he said. "You're far too inexperienced to protect yourself in a hostile situation without me.""That's sweet. Maybe I'll forgive you.""Forgive me? Fro what?""Fro telling me to shut up."His eyes narrowed. "I did not... Well, I did, But you were-""Never mind."

"It usually takes me two or three days to prepare an impromptu speech."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"I bet you've seen the fundamentalist bumper sticker that says, "God said it! I believe it! That settles it!"It must be a typo because what the driver really means is, "I said it! God believes it! That settles it!"

"Fashion [10w] Clothes makes the man.Fashion, above all, makes the President."

"Sometimes when it looks like I'm deep in thought I'm just trying not to have a conversation with people."

"Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey."

"He who laughs last laughs the laughiest."

"Indiscernible Love [10w] True love's so effortless, others can hardly see it's happening."

"An Enirely Different Matter [10W] Four states of matter:solid, liquid, gasand ffuzzy-wuzzy."

"You haven't got a letter on yours,"George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge."

"My heart can hold all the love you give me. If you need to quantify it to properly price it for sale, it would be one gallon."

"Coffee Wisdom [2] For a real manthe only thing better than the scent of pussyis the smell of freshly ground coffee."

"United Negro College Fund: A mind is a terrible thing to waste... ...and so is your paycheck,so don't waste good money on a lost cause."

"When she tried to seduce me, I got suspicious, thinking she was just after my massive fortune. Then I relaxed, when I remembered I'm poor."