#humor

"I'm calm,"Rachel insisted. "Every time I'm around you, some monsters attack us. What's to be nervous about?""Look,"I said. "I'm sorry about the band room. I hope they didn't kick you our or anything.""Nah. They asked me a lot of questions about you. I played dumb.""Was it hard?"Annabeth asked."

"The Jewish NOW There's no time like the present ~but in the future,who can say?"

"A mini self-sacrifice is made when you force your heart to wait. I’ve got mine set on a timer, so I can do other things, like chase women."

"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess."

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch."

"The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks."

"Oh well... I'd just been thinking, if you had died, you'd have been welcome to share my toilet."

"It wasn’t until I’d walked halfway across the parking lot that I realized: 1. I wasn’t wearing shoes. A. Or a shirt. 2. I didn’t bring my keys A. Or anything really. 3. I’d just left a complete stranger in my apartment. A. Naked.Whoever said one-night stands were supposed to be simple with no strings attached had clearly never met the disaster that was me."

"I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping."

"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."

"A big leather-bound volume makes an ideal razorstrap. A thing book is useful to stick under a table with a broken caster to steady it. A large, flat atlas can be used to cover a window with a broken pane. And a thick, old-fashioned heavy book with a clasp is the finest thing in the world to throw at a noisy cat."

"Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?"

"Networking is more quality, and less quantity. It’s better to form a solid connection with one new person, than a liquid connection with ten. You don’t want people to think you drink too much."

"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them."

"Delaying death is one of my favorite hobbies"

"Yes, boys are a little like shoes. Why? Well...They can be useful. But mainly...They are nice to look at. Getting the right one can be a lovely accessory to an outfit. There are times when you couldn't do without them. And there are times when you'd rather do without them. Get the wrong ones and they can hurt. There are many types and often the ones that look the nicest are completely unpractical."

"Sometimes you just have to pee in the sink."

"Working in the hotel business I have learned a lot about people. It’s amazing what you can discover about someone by watching them when they don’t know you are watching, especially if they are asleep."

"Even on the most solemn occasions I got away without wearing socks and hid that lack of civilization in high boots"

"I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand."