#humor

"The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!"

"You're still here. No beer. I'm not corrupting a minor.""But you're a minor,"she pointed out. "At least for beer.""Yeah, and by the way, how much does it suck that I'm an adult if I kill somebody, and I'm not if I want a beer?"

"BMW: The ultimate driving machine... ...just like our gas chambers were the ultimate killing machines."

"Disappointment came to me,and booted me,and bruised and hurt me,but that's how people grow up."

"Just wait until he figures out I shut him out of his slut hut."

"I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft"is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years."

"I hate women who complain about being fat when they're like a size 5. Anything under size 5 isn't a woman. It's a boy with breasts."

"Headline?"he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'"I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'"he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'"I said."

"The Delinquent Girl Chronicles Ages 7-11: Skip ropeAges 12-16: Skip classAge 17: Skip periodAge 18: Skip coming homeAge 19: Skip town"

"Simply Fabulous Haiku If I write fablesam I a fabulist orsimply fabulous?"

"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."

"...I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library."

"I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking."

"Old People [10w] At the mere mention of death they gasp for breath."

"I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?"

"Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day."

"The fact that we live at the bottom of a deep gravity well, on the surface of a gas covered planet going around a nuclear fireball 90 million miles away and think this to be normal is obviously some indication of how skewed our perspective tends to be."

"Women should have nipples on their butts. From a design perspective, I think it would revolutionize the fashion industry."

"Speak to the Head [10w] + {Couplet} Tis of no fucking availTo speak to the tail."

"Babel [10w] Building a tower to reach God doesn't require any bricks."