#humor

"We need to talk. All of us About what we're going to do now.""I was going to watch Project Runway."

"Tried living in the real world instead of a shell, but I was bored before I even began."

"I don't like lollipops."

"I run like I walk—only slower. And I make love like a one-man circus show."

"CUSTOMER: If I were to, say... meet the love of my life in this bookshop, what section do you think they would be standing in?"

"With faith the size of a mustard seed, you can indeed move a mountain, but you can hardly be expected to garnish your sandwich."

"In life you'll meet a lot of jerks. If they hurt you, tell yourself that it's because they're stupid. That will help keep you from reacting to their cruelty. Because there is nothing worse than bitterness and vengeance... Always keep your dignity and be true to yourself."

"Frank Lloyd Wright {Couplet} Frank Lloyd Wright eliminated the confining wall,so now when your wife screams at youit sounds like you're in Tammany Hall."

"I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning."

"Microwavable ice cream is the future. Don’t wait for love to melt all over your crotch. Scoop some Ice Cream Soup today."

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

"Something about being rejected at Church Camp felt so much more awful than being rejected at school."

"Let’s do a 50-50 deal, with me getting 75% of the profits, and you getting the other half. That’s how we can both get the most value out of a relationship."

"Lowbrows vs. Highbrows If you show something lowbrow to a highbrow does it wind up becoming crusty eye caca?"

"You're Totally Fucked' Defined [10w] What's before you is hopeless and behind you is negligible."

"No. Don't distract me with your sexy talk."

"Flattery [10w] Flattery is the only passport that will get you everywhere"

"You can change your mind, don't let your mind change you"

"I want the gift of a guitar—no strings attached. I want your love to also have no strings attached—and be just as musical."

"He who hesitates is a damned fool."