#humor

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."

"Imitation [10w] Art imitates life.Life imitates art.I just imitate imitation."

"We seemed to be trapped in an episode of One Life To Waste. It's all very dull."

"It is happy for you that you possess the talent of flattering with delicacy. May I ask whether these pleasing attentions proceed from the impulse of the moment, or are they the result of previous study?"

"Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows."

"Fred, you next,"the plump woman said. "I'm not Fred, I'm George,"said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?""Sorry, George, dear.""Only joking, I am Fred,"said the boy and off he went."

"I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!"

"Prayer [10w] Despite God's grace, prayer is not a wish granting well."

"It is by the goodness of god that in our country we have those 3 unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them."

"Respect doesn’t have to be shiny. It just needs to be wearable. Would you be so kind as to hold my jockstrap while I stir your hot coffee?"

"The Warrior's Way To the warrior,peace is an annoying interruption of war."

"My eyes are bronze, my hair is turning silver, and my heart is gold. Oh, and my love for you belongs in the Olympics, because it’s Special."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast."

"When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a shufti to see if it's solid, aren't we, we're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?"

"I don’t understand how I could have believed you were a warm, affectionate, and tenderhearted person! You’re obviously as prickly as a porcupine and any man who comes close to you will end up with a face full of quills!"

"You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot."

"Love is a green sky on a blue pasture, and I am the flying cow eating it all up."

"Blackjack,"Percy said, "this is Piper and Jason. They're friends."The horse nickered."Uh, maybe later,"Percy answered.Piper had heard that Percy could speak to horses, being the son of the horse lord Poseidon, but she'd never seen it in action."What does Blackjack want?"she asked."Donuts,"Percy said. "Always donuts."

"Gold Diggers are Always at Two Weddings A gold digger's eyes are searching for her next husband at her wedding."