#humor

"Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint."

"Truth {Couplet} Since every truth worth saying, has been already said,our job's to refine it, question it, or turn it on its head."

"Say 'provoking' again. Your mouth looks provocative when you do."

"But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair."

"I want to be the founder of a #startup app called Quid Pro Squid. No idea what it will do, but if I can get enough users, VC money will flow."

"Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes."

"I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure."

"Oh God, Oh God we’re all gonna die doesn’t really fit the definition of banter, now does it?"

"Jonesing [10w] Is it odd of me that I'm Jonsesing for strange?"

"She called it a slap, but I called it a high-five to my face. Love is so encouraging!"

"I have the superhero gift of invisibility. I must be invisible, because the woman I love doesn’t see me. I might as well be into Helen Keller."

"More than anything."Rob persisted. "You'd crawl on your belly over broken glass for her. Easy."

"Why Utopias Fail When you tie several horses together and one takes the lead, they all fall."

"When jumping is the sole option, you jump, and try to make it work."

"Part of the appeal of the fantastic is taking ridiculous ideas very seriously and pretending they're not absurd."

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement"

"I’m addicted to warm Thanksgiving bird meat, but I should just quit cold turkey. To me, the beginning of December is like leftover November."

"I can't give you the white picket fence, and if I did, you'd set it on fire."

"I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more."