#humor

"And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders."

"Now, you two – this year, you behave yourselves. If I get one more owl telling me you've – you've blown up a toilet or –""Blown up a toilet? We've never blown up a toilet.""Great idea though, thanks, Mum."

"Snoring keeps the monsters away."

"The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement."

"Child on a Swing Haiku Child screeches like birdas swing reaches for heaven.Stars fill his pocket."

"I called his broken promise heartbreaking, and he called it growing up. Oh, that’s mature—blame it on maturity."

"Gravity disappears again, and we rise up off the floor like spooks from a grave. It's like the Rapture in here every thirty seconds."

"The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is why he made so many of them."

"Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday."

"The Albanian Art of Subtle Seduction [10w] "You have an amazing mind now show me your tits."

"Ask me no questions, and I'll tell you no fibs."

"Marriage Advice [10w] Marry a man above youand a woman beneath you."

"For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be."

"He looked back at her, and when she saw the look on his face, she saw his eyes at Renwick’s, when he had watched the Portal that separated him from his home shatter into a thousand irretrievable pieces. He held her gaze for a split second, then looked away from her, the muscles in his throat working."

"Lonely Marriage is the best refuge of the lonely to be lonely together,and if it lasts long enough,take turns being lonely."

"Pulling a Houdini Relationships are magic;we're always getting each other out of handcuffs and strait-jacketswhile locked in a steamer trunk underwater."

"I always like a dog so long as he isn't spelled backward."

"Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business"

"Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck"

"Look, if you wanted to be babied you should have asked Peeta."