#humor

"Not only am I thinking about getting a nose job, but I’m also trying to get employment for the rest of my face."

"I like men who have a future and women who have a past."

"But the main reason you should read this is that I don't see why I should have to know all these terrible, terrible things and you should get off scot free."

"Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor."

"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."

"Picnics are very dear to those who are in the first stage of the tender passion."

"I let coffee drip into my mouth the same way I fall in love—slowly, as I wring out my shirt before going to scrub off the 32-ounce spill. I’m as romantic as a free-refill station that’s out of sugar, cream, and stirring sticks."

"We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant"

"Instead of committing suicide, people go to work."

"Rohan, one of us is an unmarried man with superior mathematical abilities and no prospects for the evening. The other is a confirmed lecher in an amorous mood, with a willing and nubile young wife waiting at home. Who do you think should do the damned account books?"And, with a nonchalant wave, St. Vincent had left the office."

"Mint Julep {Couplet} I've had more than a hint of a tulip or two,after treating them to a mint julep, or two."

"You could start a fire with the heat between you two.""You're mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection."

"Tennessee State Motto Agriculture and Commerce.Where the KKK was bornand the most popular pick up line is, 'Nice tooth!"

"Our love was a two-person game. At least until one of us died, and the other became a murderer."

"Learn from Children [10w] Children picture God as a smiley sun emanating love light."

"Those guys who want to have the Mohawk...which, to me, is the new business casual."

"I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking."

"It doesn’t take a hurricane to blow out a birthday candle. Let this be a lesson in love—and cake etiquette."

"Is your Happy Meal full of dancing? Put a box around it and sell it to kids. They could use the exercise."

"Sigh""Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?"Eye roll"