#humor

"The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?"

"Pizza vs. Internet Porn I'm still debating whether pizza or internet porn is the best thing ever invented.I've already jack-off three times while eating a double-cheese pepperoni piemaking my careful deliberations."

"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."

"I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?"

"California Milk Processor Board: Got Milk?... ...cuz I got a fucking hangover."

"Elend: I kind of lost track of time…Breeze: For two hours?Elend: There were books involved."

"There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I could tell you the punch line, but the restaurant was so noisy that I didn’t hear it. But I laughed anyway, because I’ll bet it was pretty funny."

"Poetry is a Ladder {C☰O☰U☰P☰L☰E☰T} {The poet's job is to create a ladder} {for the reader to enter his imagination}and☰once☰they've☰climbed☰u­p☰to☰the ☰top☰remove☰each☰rung☰by☰grad­ation"

"but,=""soft!=""what=""light=""through=""yonder=""window=""breaks?"=""[10w]="""Shut the fuck up! I think we got a burglar."

"Tarzan-like men are my weakness, apparently."

"Obscure Poetry Obscurity does not make a poem better or deeper.It simply makes it obscure."

"The common man prays, 'I want a cookie right now!' And God responds, 'If you'd listen to what I say, tomorrow it will bring you 100 cookies."

"Self-Motivation [10w] "Today I'll do something more extraordinarythan I did yesterday."

"Ah, well,ʺ said Abe, idly studying his fingertips. ʺI have it on good authority thereʹs going to be a new ‘gateʹ opening up soon over on the south side of the wall."The truth dawned on me. ʺOh lord. Youʹre the one whoʹs been doling out C4.ʺʺYou make it sound so easy,ʺ he said with a frown. ʺThat stuffʹs hard to get a hold of."

"Sometimes it's Love and Sometimes the... [10w] ...tingling sensation of excitement, happiness, and nervousnessis jock itch."

"Love is like whoa! Actually, it's closer to woe."

"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right."

"Love is a Heaven Cake, with clouds for icing. If there are two pieces left, I guess I can have seconds."

"I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it."

"NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi."