#humor

"I want to be a cowboy, but only long enough to barge into a saloon and bellow, "Who's the yellowbelly that stole my happy trail?"

"I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair."

"When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.' And sure enough, they get worse."

"Kansas Haiku "Ya' know Superman'sfrom here and Jor-El could'vesent him to New York."

"I wear gloves, because I don’t want to tease people with my naked body. I’ve got to leave something to the imagination."

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it."

"Where have all the Fembots gone?"

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."

"Laughter is the shortest distance between two people."

"If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office."

"Candle making is a half-ass business, because the product is only useful half the day, at night. Why not make candles that double as dildos, and make it a whole-ass business."

"Sigh""Did you just say sigh? out loud? instead of actually sighing?"Eye roll"

"UPS [10w] Women at work judge the UPS man by his package."

"Alright, good night,” he said, his words a little slurred. “But before I pass out, I want you to know that you’re the hottest biscuit this side of the gravy boat."

"Are you sleepwalking?' A voice asked behind me. "I was testing dorm security,"I said. "It sucks."

"We’ll never survive!” “Nonsense. You’re only saying that because no one ever has."

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."

"I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!"

"The children now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise."

"Animal Species Identity [10w] Funny how animals know their own species without a mirror."