#humor

"Herpes [10w] Only greatness and genital herpes are conspicuous by their absence."

"Sydney spent a lot of time on my bed these days.Unfortunately, it wasn't with me."

"We'd spent maybe ten minutes together, during which time I'd accidentally swung a sword at her, she'd saved my life, and I'd run away chased by a band of supernatural killing machines. You know, your typical chance meeting."

"Reality depresses me. I need to find fantasy worlds and escape in them."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"Love is like breakfast with Mildred. Who’s Mildred? How the heck should I know? I don’t eat breakfast."

"The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn’t around to propose to her."

"You know on TV when there’s one of those awkward, shocking moments and all you hear are the crickets in the background?Well chirp fucking chirp...this is one of those moments."

"Some are born weird, some achieve it, others have weirdness thrust upon them."

"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."

"Everything here is edible; even I'm edible. But that, dear children, is cannibalism, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies."

"I have church on Sunday.”“Of course you do.”“You’re welcome to come along.”“Thanks, but I’m allergic to incense.”“That’s a shame.”“It’s the bane of my existence.”- Beth and Jake"

"Steel wool—it’s not just for washing dirty dishes. It also makes great underwear material. It’ll cure that itch to take on a lover by making you scratch."

"If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt."

"The human body is the best work of art."

"think of it.' said Robert Rosenbluth, a doctor whose acquaintance i made at the start of this book. 'no engineer could design something as multifunctional and fine tuned as an anus. to call someone an asshole is really bragging him up."

"I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with each knock being three years apart. At the end of the nine years I’ll reply, “Who is it?” And without delay or reply, the person on the other side of the door is to find a new job."

"My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for."

"The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes."

"I coiled my empty straw wrapper around like a snake. Then I bit it before it could bite me. My love is as dangerous as my drinking habits."