#humor

"If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing."

"Failure: the renewable resource."

"The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich."

"Genesis {Couplet} God spoke the world into existence, reifying an abstraction.Now the Creator's had second thoughts and wishes to utter a retraction."

"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."

"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual."

"Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?"

"Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap.Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar bobbed between her lips as she contemplated her next move. Roland was giving Arianne the hawk eye."Checkmate, bitch,"Arianne said triumphantly, knocking over Roland's king."

"IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT /MEANT/ TO BE SAFE."

"A Tad Old Fashioned [10w] "Save all your sighing and swooning for the 18th Century, bitch."

"Jace shook his blond head in exasperation. "You had to make a crazy jail friend, didn't you? You couldn't just count ceiling tiles or tame a pet mouse like normal prisoners do?"

"He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which."

"California Haiku "After my boob jobI'm taking acting lessons.Fuck's fifty, no anal."

"Male egos require constant stroking. Every task is an achievement, every success epic. That is why women cook, but men are chefs: we make cheese on toast, they produce pain de fromage."

"Concatenate /kənˈkætəneɪt/to link together, as in a chain Do you concatenate cats by tying their tails together or do you just stuff the tail of one into the mouth of the other?Which method is better for yanking your chain?"

"And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl."

"I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations."

"Oppressor vs. Oppressed [10w] Love somtimes disintegrates into becoming the oppressor or the oppressed."

"Fig The proud oak wed a seedling figHe welcomed her caressThough round his lofty limbs she woundHe saw no need for distress.The fig enveloped all his trunkHer grip grew firm and tightThe oak withered in his arroganceAs she choked off his last light."

"You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night."