#humor

"As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse."

"I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level."

"Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel."

"Welcome to the wonderful world of jealousy, he thought. For the price of admission, you get a splitting headache, a nearly irresistable urge to commit murder, and an inferiority complex. Yippee."

"molesting the vampire while he's too weak to fight back, iz? jace asked. i'm pretty sure that violates at least one of the accords."

"Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?"

"How do you feel, Georgie?"whispered Mrs. Weasley.George's fingers groped for the side of his head."Saintlike,"he murmured."What's wrong with him?"croaked Fred, looking terrified. "Is his mind affected?""Saintlike,"repeated George, opening his eyes and looking up at his brother. "You see...I'm HOLEY, Fred, geddit?"

"Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away."

"There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva"

"Ballz Deep & Strange Haiku [1] Down the schnapps, third eye,cat flaps, pussy hole, fish lips,cha cha, ooo la la."

"Anyone who knew the word slattern was worth cultivating as a friend."

"I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum"

"I had a dream about you. I told you I loved you, and you stopped folding clothes, turned to look me in my eyes, and replied, “The cat food on the moon is probably all dry.” Then I started crying, because up until that point I had no idea that I meant that much to you and I was overjoyed with raw emotion."

"I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid."

"You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail."

"Telekinetic Poker Players Telekinetic poker players have a tell when they're bluffing:they always raise you."

"My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?"

"Either this wallpaper goes, or I do."

"We made eyes at each other, and then we made love. We also made other things too, like meatloaf."

"Even now, despite Angeline's watchfulness, she'd occasionally oscillate between random topics, like how shepherd's pie wasn't a pie at all and why it was pointless for her to take class in typing when technology would eventually develop robot companions to do it for us."