#humor

"I'm not going to wear a red dress,"she said."It would look stunning, My Lady,"she called.She spoke to the bubbles gathered on the surface of the water. "If there's anyone I wish to stun at dinner, I'll hit him in the face."

"As I am sure you know, when people say 'It's my pleasure,' they usually mean something along the lines of, 'There's nothing on Earth I would rather do less.' [...]"

"Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m drowning in my love for you."

"I’m just going to keep plugging away until I find success—or an electrical socket that works. This is the secret to gaining worldly power."

"Perhaps I can stay by the fire and mend your socks and scream if I hear any strange noises."

"I think you learn more if you're laughing at the same time."

"In this dirty minded world, you are either someone's wife or someone's whore. And if you're not either people think there is something wrong with you....but there is nothing wrong with me"

"I have church on Sunday.”“Of course you do.”“You’re welcome to come along.”“Thanks, but I’m allergic to incense.”“That’s a shame.”“It’s the bane of my existence.”- Beth and Jake"

"I put the sing in single—especially when I’m in the shower. Does anybody have any requests they’d like to shout out while the water’s getting hot? As always, silence all cell phones during the duration of my performance."

"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own."

"Your Poem A poem is a waking dream.If your poem is shit,then it was a fucking nightmare."

"Western Hypocricy I laugh at the hypocrisy of this western world that only expects the Muslims and Jews to act more Christian, while they continueto revel in the carnage of their heathen ways."

"I'm right and you're wrong, I'm big and you're small, and there's nothing you can do about it."

"I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens."

"Love burns. Whiskey burns. George Burns. What do all three have in common? They’re all dead to me."

"I had eggs for breakfast. I ate them off the hood of a politician’s car, after I threw them there."

"I wish I could travel west nonstop chasing sunsets. And as the time zones move backwards, I could live forever if I just kept moving."

"Amazon.com Amazon.com is the Church of Consumer Capitalismwhose ethics demands we know the price of everything,the value of absolutely nothing of true moral valueand most importantly ~Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought."

"Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it."

"A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween."