#humor

"I have never seduced a fish taco for selfish reasons. I am an altruistic lover."

"Self-Contempt [10w] Self-contempt is calling yourself collect and refusing to accept the charges."

"I'm sorry. I use my rapier wit to hide my inner pain."

"If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing."

"Oh, goodie,"Puck said as I stepped forward. "I'm going to have a rash in the most uncomfortable places."

"When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?"

"I'm all for all for one, especially when I'm the one. That's my philosophy when the dinner bill arrives at the table."

"ESL New immigrantswho've taken ESL (English as a Second Language),will always misunderstand sarcasm ~but those fuckers sure as shit enjoy the prices at Walmart."

"When in doubt, look intelligent."

"Every time we start thinking we're the center of the universe, the universe turns around and says with a slightly distracted air, 'I'm sorry. What'd you say your name was again?"

"Let's get physical, physical [10w] All physical contact is meaningful,even if meaningful means sleazy."

"Pasteboard pies and paper flowers are being banished from the stage by the growth of that power of accurate observation which is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it...."

"You can laugh! But people used to believe there were no such things as the Blibbering Humdinger or the Crumple-Horned Snorkack!"

"As if you could kill time without injuring eternity."

"Death and Famine and War and Pollution continued biking towards Tadfield. And Grievous Bodily Harm, Cruelty To Animals, Things Not Working Properly Even After You've Given Them A Good Thumping but secretly No Alcohol Lager, and Really Cool People travelled with them."

"A Suicide's Regret "I cut my vein in vain;blood slowly oozes out.I should've cut an arteryand watch it spurt and spout."

"You haven't got a letter on yours,"George observed. "I suppose she thinks you don't forget your name. But we're not stupid-we know we're called Gred and Forge."

"You can't give her that!' she screamed. 'It's not safe!'IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.'She's a child!' shouted Crumley.IT'S EDUCATIONAL.'What if she cuts herself?'THAT WILL BE AN IMPORTANT LESSON."

"Begin at the beginning,"the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."

"There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and foget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity."