#humor

"I didn’t give her my full attention. The bottle was half full when she started drinking. Still, from it she grew distracted, so my farming technique worked."

"La Récolteuse de la Mort Je suis la Récolteuse de la Mort et ~vous êtes ce que je viens pour les!"

"Gordon Edgley's sudden death came as a shock to everyone - not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book, And the Darkness Rained upon Them, and the next he was dead. A tragic loss, his mind echoed numbly as he slipped away."

"The summer temperature outside was 45 degrees, so I turned 45 degrees and went right back inside. It was so cold outside because that’s where all her love for me was."

"I was seen spotted with an older woman and a girl half my height in age. A leopard was also spotted."

"Can't stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I'll tell them what to do. Don't get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland)"

"For someone who'e smarter than a supercomputer, sometimes you're a real idiot."

"I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

"One Size Fits All Life Strategy Smile first.Ask questions later."

"Hypocrisy [10w] Religion without hypocrisy doesn't exist;that's man's imperfection, not God's."

"Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child."

"Charlie whistled "Amazing Grace"as he drove. It was all I could do not to whip my head around and snap, Are you kidding me? Couldn't he pick something more appropriate, like "Shout at the Devil"or "Don't fear the Reaper"? Some people had no sense of the proper music for a kidnapping."

"I have rubbed shoulders with the rich, the powerful, and the armless. It’s how to network when handshakes aren’t an option."

"They call alcohol spirits, because it’s the spirit turned liquid. Would you drink my soul if you knew I’d use it to get inside of you? After all, most men buy women alcohol so they can get inside them too."

"Ethical Dilemma of an Ascending Body [10w] + [10w] You can't ascend a ladderwithout rungs to push back;you can't climb a staircasewithout stairs to step on."

"I’m an only child, and therefore I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me, they wouldn’t even be parents."

"Humor is mankind's greatest blessing."

"Love is the jelly to sunshine’s peanut butter. And if I tell you that I’m in sandwich with you, I’m not just saying it to get in your Ziploc bag."

"I was wasting my time, praying for love.For a love that never comes, from someone who does not exist."

"Tomorrow I was supposed to have a meeting with a salesperson, who happened to be Orafoura. But something came up, so I called him and said, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I have to cancel tomorrow.” To which he replied, “Cancel tomorrow! Who do you think you are, God?"