#humor

"Her love stays with me wherever I go. That’s because I have it on a leash, like a dog, and I take it for walks like I do with my pet wheelchair."

"Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?"

"Well? Is it true? Did she?""Did she what?""You know. Fall outta the crazy tree and hit every branch on the way down?"

"Rhode Island State Motto Hope.Not much here but at least we have Family Guy."

"Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn."

"I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket."

"Grass in a Sidewalk Crack Grass sprounting miraculously in a sidewalk crack is a metaphor forlousy maintenance."

"The planet is fine. The people are fucked."

"My birthday is on a holiday. I just have to wait until I die and they commemorate me."

"She was not sorry. And if it was the wine telling her that, then she would tell the wine the same thing tomorrow. She was not sorry."

"If we're going to the Silent City, you might want to get dressed. I mean, I appreciate the bra-and-panties look, but I don't know if the Silent Brothers will. There are only a few of the left, and I don't want them to die of excitement."

"You leave me tied up like a dog? Then you had better remember that this bitch bites!"

"Claire was struggling through last summer’s diary volume when Myrnin popped in through the portal, wearing a big floppy black hat and a kind of crazy/stylish pimp coat that covered him from neck to ankles, black leather gloves, and a black and silver walking stick with a dragon’s head on it. And, on his lapel was a button that said, If you can read this, thank a teacher."

"Poet and the Fool {Couplet} {Limerick} The fool does his ego inflate,much like a poet does his oeuvre overrate.But the truth of the matter is that neither shit matters;harsh reality shall both nitwits deflate."

"All killer whales are named Kevin. You knew that, right?"

"I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think."

"So many books, so little time."

"Either this wallpaper goes, or I do."

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."

"I don't know what I was expecting a vampire's room to look like. Maybe lots of black, a bunch of books by Camus... oh, and a sensitive portrait of the only human the vamp ever loved, who had no doubt died of something beautiful and tragic, thus dooming the vamp to an eternity of moping and sighing dramatically.What can I say? I read a lot of books."