Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"My name represents me, but it’s not who I am. It’s just a collection of letters. Unfortunately, none of them are love letters."

"My love has a flow like a flower, so it’s best if you water it with the fragrance of romance, which has the aroma of loyalty."

"I can sell you wine and I can sell you flowers, but I can't sell you romance, because that comes from your heart, and it's free."

"I’ll bet opening a store called Boobs and Books would increase literacy. I prefer a hands-on approach to learning."

"A Dragon Rose is a flying flower that breathes fire. A relationship isn’t truly a romance if there isn’t a tiny element of danger involved."

"I let coffee drip into my mouth the same way I fall in love—slowly, as I wring out my shirt before going to scrub off the 32-ounce spill. I’m as romantic as a free-refill station that’s out of sugar, cream, and stirring sticks."

"The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day."

"I haven't measured it, but I'll bet cat purrs vibrate at a healing frequency. Also, a whispered I love you almost certainly resonates with heart and DNA repair."

"Only a fool would say they’re not a fool. Well, I am not a fool, which is why I say I am a fool."

"As an author, I like self-help, because clapping can be done by myself, for myself. I should buy gloves."

"I love kiss whispers—kisspers. Loose lips are full of passionate secrets."

"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."

"Personal branding is crucial in today's society. Just remember to wait until the metal is red hot before pressing it into your flesh."

"Apparently I’m transparent—with my feelings, not with my body. I’m an emotional ghost, and if you can’t see my love for you it’s because it’s dead."

"I slept through the award presentation for Napper of the Year. They had to wake me when I won. Winning was like a dream come true."

"She moves through my memory the way the gentle river waves turn the setting sun's rays into a nostalgic light show."

"Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey."

"Tweeting is talking into the abyss, filling a void in your life by avoiding real human contact."

"You can’t win in love. But if you could, I’d be the clear victor. Vodka is also clear, and I must be drunk."

"Self-growth comes from being nurtured, not tortured. I had to learn this the hard way. On sale now: Iron Maiden. Only used once."