Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I wrote you a love letter. I used invisible ink to show I was being transparent with my feelings. And also to hide my feelings."

"My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves."

"Flowers are aromatic and romantic, and they grow exactly the way love does—with plenty of light, and watered with affection."

"Some men have actually died from laughing. That's so funny I fear for my own life."

"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."

"I bleed ink for her, because her name is written on my heart. She’s the author of all the love I have to give."

"Lightning doesn’t thunder twice. Let that be a lesson in love."

"Lying in bed listless, I wrote a list. I then had a list, but I was still listless. Perhaps because my list was of all the things I love, and every entry was you."

"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Talk on the door. Try to get it to open up through communication, not violence."

"I give 110% in love. If that seems absurd, just know that I used presidential voting machines to calculate that number. It's totally legit."

"I know half, and I know two guys who each know half of half, so together we’re altogether. Let this be a lesson in networking."

"A flowing flurry of flowers fell to the floor when I fell in love, as if my heart were a garden that gushed forth and flooded her being with the fragrance of romance."

"I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there."

"If I waste all my charity, all I’ll wind up with in the end is the wind. Still, I think I want to be the Dandelion of Love."

"A #startup is as fragile as a flower, and it needs a garden and a gardener to help it grow. Those gardens are called Business Incubators."

"I am so extreme that I do parkour like a caterpillar gyrates. My movements are slow and methodical, but eventually my free running takes flight. I love the same exact way, and my romance has the essence of a butterfly."

"Comparing penis sizes is a much more nuanced and sophisticated way to determine who’s right than something as clunky and uncouth as a debate."

"I think a cool #startup would be a company that makes Finish line tape, for marathons. In the long run, it could be very profitable."

"She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her."