Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Let’s be romantic and dance in the rain. I’ll prove my feelings for you by bringing an umbrella, because I’m drowning in my love for you."

"I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance."

"I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left."

"She cuts me deep with her words, with her withholding of words, and with her knife. I’m not sure which is the most painful."

"Of all sports, wrestling is the most like cuddling. I’m all sweaty because I’m training hard to show her how much I love her."

"White letters plus white paper equals invisibility. Just because you can’t see my love for you, doesn’t mean I didn’t write about it."

"To get people to notice you, you must be unique. If I were invisible, everybody would see me for who I am as a person."

"A raisin on the ground is full of hope that if it just keeps aging, it will turn into wine and get drunk on its wrinkly self."

"The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat."

"A pitcher throws baseballs, but a pitcher also holds liquid. My emotions are so fluid I wonder how large the pitcher would have to be to hold my heart. Probably 6’3”."

"I haven't measured it, but I'll bet cat purrs vibrate at a healing frequency. Also, a whispered I love you almost certainly resonates with heart and DNA repair."

"If you don't think you need to develop your personal brand, my advice for you comes in the wisdom of two road signs: STOP; DEAD END."

"I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life."

"When tragedy hits close to home, like your neighbor’s house, it really makes you stop and think. And while you’re thinking, I’ll be speeding off in the getaway car."

"I had a second friend come over to my house, and do you know what I called her? A refill. If relationships aren’t drinkable, why do we thirst for them so much?"

"His name was Tom Tombstone, and if he had a middle name it was probably Death. But I didn’t call him Tom, or even Mr. Tombstone, because he introduced himself as Robert Winston. And I wondered how this stranger could shake my hand, look me in the eye, smile, and expect me to believe such a bold-faced lie?"

"Love flows like flowers, and grows like water. I’m so thirsty for romance I could drink a dozen roses."

"If you see me pushing a wheelbarrow full of animal balloons up a hill, it may be a Zen koan, or it may be buy two get a third for FREE."

"Teach me to dance and I'll show you how to make love to music. The first 30 minutes are free, but after that I'm gonna have to charge you."

"I mined my mind, and I found no love. My heart is where excavation yields gold, and if you dig me as much as I dig you, we can both get rich."