Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Anything disguised as anything is chameleon. A ghost disguised as an unobservable and invisible object is a great example. Still, that’s easier to see than the love my ex wife had for me."

"Now that I’m 33.3 years old, the days of blue and green are behind me. I have left the earthy and entered into the purple phase of my life."

"My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?"

"When you’re embarrassed, you turn red. When I blush, I turn plaid. I network at kilt conventions, so even if I say something awkward I still look cool."

"When her boyfriend broke his leg, I knew it was my chance to ask her to dance. So I put down my baseball bat and approached her like Babe Ruth."

"Patience is so valuable I'm willing to wait forever to achieve it. And while I wait, I may as well get busy being short-tempered."

"Lying in bed listless, I wrote a list. I then had a list, but I was still listless. Perhaps because my list was of all the things I love, and every entry was you."

"I need to be gentler, I said definitively to myself, as I clenched my fist and shook it in the air. Love takes flight like two powerful wings, but hits like a collection of feathers."

"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."

"I used the boos, and not the booze, as motivation. That led to applause, which I drank up like an alcoholic. I need a refill."

"I grew a garden in her heart. There was plenty of space for flowers, because her heart was completely empty of love."

"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."

"I am the coffee, and God is The Barista. Through me, he may awaken your soul. But the coffee knows not what flows through the mind of The Barista."

"She said she loved me, and I believed her, because she was looking directly at another man when she said it."

"People with money have to worry about who their real friends are. I don’t have that problem for two reasons: I don’t have any money, and I don’t have any friends."

"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."

"I drank her essence, and it’s like she never existed and now I’m thirsty again. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Her and I, we passed each other, and now she’s in my past. That’s one present I’d like to unwrap in the future."

"One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people."

"The naked truth is anything but naked. But it will be soon enough, if I keep giving it alcohol."