Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"A sofa on an elevator would be like a slow roller coaster where you get to work on your small talk skills. Oh yes, I am an adrenaline junky."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"Either I will love you, or I will love you if and only if you love me in return. I prefer the former."

"I love when my cat crushes his forehead into mine like my skull is an empty beer can. But it’s not—there’s still a sip left."

"I always look like I’m lying. I was born with a politician’s face. You’ll know I’m in love when I have a Vote For Me look in my eyes."

"My sole possession is my passion, for no one can rob me of it. More fiery than love, it does not depend on another to blaze."

"Spelling Bees are useless and unnecessary competitions. Before Microsoft Word and Google, Spelling Bees had value, but now they are all superflewus."

"A nugget of wisdom is more valuable than a nugget of gold—and considerably harder to pan out of a river. I’ll be 33 in March, and all I’ve found so far is fool’s gold. Still, I was able to trade it for political favors."

"My I love you was a measured response, like one gallon of coffee in one cup of sugar. It was just overflowing with an awakening of my soul."

"Wherever there’s a gathering of people, there is networking going on. My favorite place to network is the cemetery."

"The curve of her smile, the curve of the small of her back, the curve of her laugh, everything about her makes me want to be more well-rounded."

"Everyone’s different, and in that way everyone’s the same. Stand out by sitting down. Try my love seat—it’s made for two people, so you can be comfortably obese."

"I’m feeling morass, when I should be feeling more ass. I can put my sadness behind me with what’s behind you."

"An empty coffee cup is full of hope. Now there’s something worth voting for."

"I would argue that unless the two people are in love, all sex is bad sex, because why eat cotton candy when you can have edible clouds? Sure, it seems sweet at the time, but that’s just a carnival and carnal rush and wears off quickly. But love adds an extra dimension that takes an earthy thing like sex and makes it absolutely heavenly."

"I don’t like breakfast, because I like things fixed and slow. Let’s just take our relationship morning by morning."

"The Sacred and The Scared. Which of these two categories does your love fall under? I should write a love poem on a rolled-up scroll so you’d know which one categorizes mine."

"The last 33 years of my life have been a blur, like a hummingbird’s beating wings. Time flies, but not backwards, like a hummingbird can."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"I count as blessings things I could have benefited from, even if I neglected to utilize them. A gift is still a gift, even if left wrapped and unopened."