Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Wisdom is knowing when you are being patient, and when you are wasting time by waiting."

"My kitchen sink has no truck attached. My love needs a waterproof suitcase in these Days of Desert and Dessert. Who are you going to come running to when the Ice Cream Man melts?"

"My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves."

"The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile."

"I'm about to get my grind on. My coffee grind. Like a true hustler."

"Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder."

"Under the guise of being nice guys, the central bankers have done to the people what no army in history has been evil enough to do."

"The trick to looking ageless is drinking 55 gallons of #FlashBangWowFuzz every 4-6 hours. 24-hour discounts available."

"When I lost her I gained the future, because she was my past, and she freed me to become who I was born to be."

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing."

"Lying in bed listless, I wrote a list. I then had a list, but I was still listless. Perhaps because my list was of all the things I love, and every entry was you."

"Don’t try to hog loneliness and keep it all to yourself. Share it with a special someone."

"I’m more of a journalist than anyone in the mainstream media, and I write fiction. More than fiction, I write absurd nonsense surrealism, and my work has more truth."

"The difference between you and everyone else, is everyone else. And that’s a lot, so you should feel special."

"My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it."

"I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more romantic than roses on a grave?"

"My reality is it’s nighttime. The truth is I’m just blindfolded. How many people live like me, in self-deluded darkness?"

"My goal is to be as forgiving as a man with amnesia, but love as if I remember and cherish all the things you do that make me smile."

"The wealthier I get, the more money I will have to not have, because my goal in getting is giving, and nothing is better than charity."