Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I’ve spent a lifetime learning to love—the lifetime of a chameleon. But hey, I’ve learned a lot in the last year, though you couldn’t tell because I camouflage my feelings."

"You know who’s not money? @JManziel2. Quarterbacks should stay in the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Ask any politician."

"One in four people have a mental illness. You can be the one to make it two in four, if you’ll join me for a dance."

"I bleed ink for her, because her name is written on my heart. She’s the author of all the love I have to give."

"Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder."

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"Teach me to dance and I'll show you how to make love to music. The first 30 minutes are free, but after that I'm gonna have to charge you."

"He said he wanted to trade lives with me, saying he wanted what I have. He must want for nothing, because that’s exactly what I have."

"Wisdom is knowing when you are being patient, and when you are wasting time by waiting."

"My love for you grows daily, and all it takes is exposure to your sunny disposition, coupled with watering it with coffee."

"Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist."

"To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of zero. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go."

"The referees made a questionable call. Still, I was ready with an answer and picked up on the first ring. That ring was an engagement ring, and I said yes."

"Every morning I push through the pain—and force myself to keep sleeping, despite my aching body’s cries to quit. I am a champion."

"I’ll cut jewels in the shape of crumpled-up pieces of paper. Her wedding ring may look like my 33rd attempt at my marriage vows."

"Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy."

"Nothing carries meaning. People carry meaning. We are the porters of importance."

"The love of my life has made me the happiest man ever. This ever-smiling man/mannequin is so happy because he’s got no brain, and in this way is identical to anyone who still rah-rahs for either a Republican or a Democrat."

"I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two."

"If you merge an emergency with a mannequin, that’s how I look at networking events. To make each handshake more feel more personal, I try to wear the thinnest rubber gloves I can find."