Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"People don't care what I wear or don't wear, and even if I don't wear anything people will cover for me if they know that I care about them."

"Both of the items were used in an attempted murder, but hers was a dagger, and mine was a baby’s rubber bottle nipple. That was the last time I took a stab at love."

"0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love."

"Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more."

"Losing your mind is preferable to losing your woman, because if you lose your woman you will also lose your mind, and then you’re left with nothing."

"Apparently I’m transparent—with my feelings, not with my body. I’m an emotional ghost, and if you can’t see my love for you it’s because it’s dead."

"When two people are cuddled close, they can really warm up one burrito. It may take all night, but I like my cheese melted. #CuddleChampion"

"I miss her like 0, 1, 1, 2, 3, and 5 misses 8. When we made love, our two bodies formed one spiral that seemed to cycle to the sky."

"I mined my mind, and I found no love. My heart is where excavation yields gold, and if you dig me as much as I dig you, we can both get rich."

"Opportunity is not your opponent—it is your ally, but it’s hard to see that because opportunity is often camouflaged and hidden among danger and chaos."

"The wealthier I get, the more money I will have to not have, because my goal in getting is giving, and nothing is better than charity."

"I always wear gloves when I wash my hands. That’s also how I make love, and if you buy now I’ll throw in an extra bar of soap for FREE."

"He said he wanted to trade lives with me, saying he wanted what I have. He must want for nothing, because that’s exactly what I have."

"Just when you thought you’d considered all the angles, life goes from a square to a cube. Love should also be 3D."

"I network like a Spanish Inquisitor. I am very good at extracting relevant information. And if you resist, you’ll only confirm your heresy."

"Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire."

"Either I will love you, or I will love you if and only if you love me in return. I prefer the former."

"One in four people have a mental illness. You can be the one to make it two in four, if you’ll join me for a dance."

"I love firm hugs. Statues are so affectionate. Well, at least compared to my ex wife."

"Some people try to change the world one life at a time. Others try to change the world one death at a time. And I try to change the world one bucket full of dirt at a time."