Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"What does it mean to be the best? It means you have to be better than the number two guy. But what gratification is there in that? He's a loser—that’s why he's number two."

"I gave her a hundred dollar bill. She said, “Thanks, how can I repay you?” I replied, “Two fifties would be good, but three fifties would be better."

"She has a body for years, and I have an astronaut tan. When we make love it will be like (x + 2)(2x -1) = 0, solve for x."

"I watched the leaves change colors, and I thought, “People do that too. Their hair changes color as they age.” I remember that as my grandpa got older, his hair went from green to yellow to red, like a traffic light, only with slightly less honking."

"I can hold my alcohol, just like I’m a wine bottle. I dance as fluid as glass, and my heart shatters just as easily."

"Man has two legs and chairs have four, because we were made to stand out, not sit down—or be sat on. You are your brand—you are not a piece of furniture. Well, this applies to everyone except my grandma, but she’s dead, so she really doesn’t mind being used as a coat rack."

"William Hurt has a painful last name. Kevin Love has a name perfect for February 14th. But what about Johnny Longdong? Where does he fit?"

"I think eulogies are wasted on the dead. It’s the living who need to hear kind words spoken about them."

"I just sprayed cologne on my hand and then pet the back of my cat's head while he slept, and he woke up so confused, trying to sniff behind his neck and all around wondering what sweet attack he was under."

"I am an orange construction cone, and I say to you, “Caution.” This is my advice for love—and for driving while blindfolded, which is safer than love."

"The middle finger is a great body language tool for letting people know you’re upset. Poetry isn’t quite as effective in a fit of road rage."

"Are all caps really necessary? No need to shout at me. My hearing is perfect when the words arrive in my mind through my eyes."

"I wish I could climb the corporate ladder like I could climb a tree, but I can’t, because I’m afraid of heights. And bark."

"I drink like a fish, and I swim in my thirst. I’m so parched for her love that I think I may drown in my desire."

"The goodbad news is she only stole half. The badgood news is she stole half. And when it’s love that’s been stolen, a hole the size of half your heart feels like the whole thing has been taken."

"I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself."

"If a company won't hire you, why don't you start your own company? Steve Jobs created jobs, he didn't apply for them. #Startup your dreams."

"You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale."

"Prophesies are dark and don’t need a flashlight to illuminate. I’m a bring my own lighthouse kind of lover."

"I was just shy of reaching my goal. My goal was to be more extroverted, so being just shy meant I completely failed."