Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"A radio in a song in an ice cream cone. Two licks for free, and the third is for sale. My favorite flavor tastes like a commercial, because it’s made with 100% natural advertisement."

"I have the superhero gift of invisibility. I must be invisible, because the woman I love doesn’t see me. I might as well be into Helen Keller."

"Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening."

"I drank so much booze I was bamboozled. Alcohol makes my mind as discombobulated as love makes my heart. I’d sure appreciate it if you poured me a large glass of romance."

"I sip my coffee like I fall in love—alone in a field of flowers, writing poetry for the mailman, who delivers love letters, but never gets any."

"A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a networking event, unless your new connection is a mortician."

"I don’t remember my birth. I guess I got dementia at a young age."

"You gotta run more than your mouth to escape the treadmill of mediocrity. A true hustler jogs during the day, and sleepwalks at night."

"After soul searching, I found myself. Then I found myself giving of myself to a charity that finds missing children. It's great to be found."

"Using a mannequin and some rope, could you ride two bicycles at once? Next time, try three bikes. Then truly love someone, because that’s even harder."

"In my memory her love shimmers, glimmers, and glitters the way light on black water reflects like diamonds, the treasure that was us."

"I'm here at The Container Store looking for something large enough to hold all my love for her. It's a flood, so I hope they sell Shipping Container Ships."

"As soon as you cross the county line into where all the wealthier people live, the weather is suddenly sunnier and warmer. Even at night."

"I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two."

"Peanut butter and jelly is like the older, more serious brother to egg salad sandwich. I’m an only child, so I eat both with incredible sadness."

"I’d rather sell one thing for one million dollars, than sell one million things for one dollar each. I feel the same about my love and women."

"I’ve spent a lifetime learning to love—the lifetime of a chameleon. But hey, I’ve learned a lot in the last year, though you couldn’t tell because I camouflage my feelings."

"Love is a boomerang dripped in honey, in that it emanates from me just as surely as it will return to me. Still, I think I’d much rather wash my hands and be done with it."

"If you want to steal my heart, you must realize it's not a one-time heist. This theft will take every minute of the rest of your life."

"If you merge an emergency with a mannequin, that’s how I look at networking events. To make each handshake more feel more personal, I try to wear the thinnest rubber gloves I can find."