Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"New streets should be Twitter friendly and be named with hashtags up front. I’d build a house on ‪#‎LoversLane‬."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"She looked so sexy with her sixteen cats that I just had to swipe right, but when she messaged me first quoting Monty Python, I knew it was Tinder love. Maybe on the first date we’ll knit the blanket we’ll make love under."

"I love letting her know how much she means to me. A love in secret is but a shadow that’s cold and lonely."

"Most scars are invisible. Damn transparent knives. Does anything cut deeper than love? I need to get some new body armor."

"Our love, that’s real. Our currency, the dollar, that’s imaginary. Invest in us, and I promise you that you won’t lose your life’s savings."

"Nine out of ten politicians are thieves. The tenth politician is a liar, and the one who conducted the survey."

"It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks."

"My advice to aspiring writers is to read more, write more, and network more. More, more, and more. Then, after you've done all that, do it some more."

"If I found 20 dollars on the ground, I’d be willing to bet I’d find someone in desperate need of money that I could give it to. And I’d bet 20 dollars, so even after finding and giving away 20 dollars, I’d have made 20 dollars."

"She asked me how I slept. Knowing she meant quality of sleep, I said I slept naked. It’s true. Ask any of the joggers who saw me sleepwalking."

"I have a lot of faith. I mean, I believe I do."

"I sped-read through a book that probably weighed a pound, though I only gleaned about nine ounces of information. That's because it was a book on love that I read while making love. I multitask like I pay by the hour."

"Like a ballet dancer, she keeps me on my toes. This dance we're doing, it keeps me so fit I know she's a perfect fit for me."

"The sides of buildings should be like the tops of lakes. I’d fish through your window hoping to catch a smile."

"Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy."

"I keep my motivational book collection in the fridge. Hey, Who Moved My Cheese?! Did somebody let grandpa out of his cage again?"

"I have a Rubik’s Cube for a rearview mirror, because the past is the only time puzzle I can solve. My love for her only looks clear there."

"I just got done digging a hole shaped like a human body. But I have no idea what to bury. I’ll probably hide all my love for you, like I would with any other treasure."

"Knocking on a door is so violent. Instead, try talking to the door to get it to open up to you. I should write a self-help book for door-to-door salesmen."