Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me."

"I have two hands, so when I’m networking and I meet two new people, is it OK to shake both their hands at once? Or would it be more appropriate to organize a group hug?"

"Trying to remember a dream from a decade ago is like trying to catch fog in a coffee filter. I could subsist on morning mist."

"She cuts me deep with her words, with her withholding of words, and with her knife. I’m not sure which is the most painful."

"My hobbies include rubbing my nipples across a cheese grater, meeting cat ladies on Tinder, and voting for either Democrat or Republican every four years. You could say I am a torture enthusiast."

"My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life."

"My heartbeat is a pulse, and it pumps out sonic vibrations that resonate with her mind as she lays her head on my chest. Listen silently and you can hear the frequency of love."

"Poor is the man who thinks money makes him wealthy. Love is the true treasure, and the more you give away, the more you have."

"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."

"I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?"

"When people ask me how I slept, I tell them I don’t know—I’ll have to ask The Professor, and read his notes on my performance."

"I’ll stand by you. And by stand I mean cower in your shadow. It’s probably cold there, so I’m going to knit myself a warm cat sweater to wear."

"The going rate for love is going away. And the more you go away, the more expensive it gets."

"I belong, and my penis, it be long."

"If you find yourself thirsting for my love, don’t forget that I sell straws in a variety of flavors. What is the price of romance? Good question. Today only it’s on sale for half-off wholesale prices. Everything must go. My entire inventory of straws is being liquidated."

"I lost interest in her because she said the wrong thing. She said nothing."

"Quit making shade while I’m trying to make noon. Go put on a blindfold and act like midnight. There’s leftover love in the freezer if you get cold."

"I sell soap. Buy two bars and get a FREE shower. (Water not included.) Act within the next 15 minutes and I’ll even throw in the towel. I quit!"

"To be invisible, paint yourself with the direct shade of zero. Leave nothing to chance, by taking nothing with you wherever you go."

"I drink like a fish, and I swim in my thirst. I’m so parched for her love that I think I may drown in my desire."