Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Pizza is circular. So is an hour. I’ll take two slices—to go."

"Her and I, we have a two chairs and a table kind of love. You should pull up a feeling and have a seat."

"The chair I want for my office has wheels, so I can put it on my treadmill and get some exercise while I work. Likewise, we can’t let a love like ours just roll on by without trying to work things out."

"I should open up a dry cleaners/pizza parlor. Extra Stain Sauce will be free, but removing it out of your clothes will cost you."

"All thoughts, secret or spoken, belong in a coffee table book written in Braille, so you can really feel the emotions."

"The wind is my favorite color. It reminds me of the love she painted on my life as she blew past me."

"Poor is the man who thinks money makes him wealthy. Love is the true treasure, and the more you give away, the more you have."

"The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt."

"Networking is more quality, and less quantity. It’s better to form a solid connection with one new person, than a liquid connection with ten. You don’t want people to think you drink too much."

"0 plus 100 equals 100. But so does 50 plus 50, only with more balance. Let this be a lesson in love."

"I have a tongue like a rose petal, and when I say I love you, it has the fragrance of truth. My words are my garden, and I’m planting our future."

"Different people have different ideas. We need to kill them—the ideas, not the people. The people we just need to torture."

"I’m making naked, and I’m making it by hand and other body parts. Next I’ll be making spaghetti, if my first cooking show hasn’t been canceled by then."

"Midnight is Hellen-Kelleresque, so if you ask me if I’m seeing anybody, I’ll ask you what time it is. Answers are always between 12:01 AM to 11:59 PM."

"My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that."

"If you merge an emergency with a mannequin, that’s how I look at networking events. Panicked stillness, that’s the look I’ve perfected in an effort to make myself appear more approachable."

"The roses of romance grow when you water your relationship with gratitude. Love will bloom and blossom when you recognize the awesome."

"A can’t in a can—it’s carbonated failure that’s ready to drink. It tastes like the back half of love."

"The wealthier I get, the more money I will have to not have, because my goal in getting is giving, and nothing is better than charity."

"Relationships are like water. If you grab tight, clamping and clenching to gain control, you’ll lose it all. Instead, cup your hand gently, so she feels free to drink until her thirst is quenched."