Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I leave my door locked and unlocked. You know, for stopportunities. As a lover, I’ve been known—and unknown—to be like Zeno."

"I’ve spent a lifetime learning to love—the lifetime of a chameleon. But hey, I’ve learned a lot in the last year, though you couldn’t tell because I camouflage my feelings."

"A circular table that spins around is a great way to make a romantic dinner for two with three people less awkward. I’ll pay for myself, I promise."

"I need to be gentler, I said definitively to myself, as I clenched my fist and shook it in the air. Love takes flight like two powerful wings, but hits like a collection of feathers."

"She looked, but she couldn’t see. She was wearing an emotional blindfold, and though she heard me say I love you, she just didn’t listen."

"Older doesn't necessarily mean wiser. Some trees live to be hundreds of years old, and what the fuck do they know?"

"If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that's OK, because that's how it is now."

"Wisdom equals knowledge plus courage. You have to not only know what to do and when to do it, but you have to also be brave enough to follow through."

"I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me."

"The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day."

"I fall in love with you four times a year: winter, spring, summer, and fall. The leaves may change, but how I feel about you does not."

"Standing in the kitchen when you’re hungry is torture. That’s why I moved my fridge to my dungeon, where I keep the prisoners."

"Unreturned love is like trying to make a sandwich with one slice of bread. Don’t stress—fold it in half and love yourself."

"My brain is divided into two butterflies, and both are in love with your rose-shaped heart. If you've got the garden, I've got my whole life."

"I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than admitting I randomly had it already. Now that’s love."

"I used to gorge on gorgeous women, but now I look for things that can’t be seen with the eyes, but are only detected by the heart. This is love."

"I mined my mind, and I found no love. My heart is where excavation yields gold, and if you dig me as much as I dig you, we can both get rich."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"I'm so popular in life that valets are already starting to park the cars lined up for my funeral, which is expected sometime late 2082. #OutBoastKanye"

"The harmonica has musical wind, and is the breath of soul. It’s like a sad, lonely I love you lost in the breeze."