Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"I would argue that unless the two people are in love, all sex is bad sex, because why eat cotton candy when you can have edible clouds? Sure, it seems sweet at the time, but that’s just a carnival and carnal rush and wears off quickly. But love adds an extra dimension that takes an earthy thing like sex and makes it absolutely heavenly."

"If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast."

"When I dance, I’m so fluid you could drink my moves. And if you sip it with your morning coffee, you’ll be light on your feet all day."

"I’ve only been in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky finger. I could have held up my index finger, but I wasn’t in love that long."

"I have liquid lips, and my kisses are smooth as wine. Why pour you a glass when you can drink from the bottle?"

"Personal branding is sales, because you’re selling an image of yourself, a mirage, and you are the product."

"I’ll cut jewels in the shape of crumpled-up pieces of paper. Her wedding ring may look like my 33rd attempt at my marriage vows."

"She doesn’t want me to leave, and she doesn’t want me to stay. That’s a double helping of Doesn’t Want Me, and one big I’m Not Hungry back at her."

"In the land of Gibberish, the man who makes sense, the man who speaks clearly, clearly speaks nonsense."

"I question the equation like an equestrian, and I realize it’s horseshit. What is the equation? Vote=Change."

"There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't."

"Her beauty took my breath away, and allowed the spring breeze to fill my lungs with honeysuckle, jasmine, and desire."

"Love may make you feel blue, love may make you feel green, and sometimes love may even make you feel turquoise or teal. Depression and envy get all the pretty shades of description, and I love that, but in a pink/purple kind of way."

"I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me."

"Her and I, we passed each other, and now she’s in my past. That’s one present I’d like to unwrap in the future."

"A follow-up letter is best when not written on the back of a suicide note. Remember this next time you’re at a networking event, unless your new connection is a mortician."

"Be memorable. Say something unforgettable. Be silent."

"I keep water in my pockets, as portable fish tanks. My love letters often get soggy with sentimentality."

"The world may be running out of water, but it isn’t running low on music. Let the dancing flow!"

"I could scarf down a scarf faster than I could eat any other throat warmer, with the possible exception of your clenched hands around my neck."