Jarod Kintz, This Book is Not FOR SALE

"Love is a Heaven Cake, with clouds for icing. If there are two pieces left, I guess I can have seconds."

"I am a fisherman among farmers, and as a farmer what I grow is tired of waiting for her to love me."

"In the long run, even a marathon looks like a sprint. This is how I can love with such Roger Bannisteresque intensity."

"If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now."But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast."

"Dinner was a riot, but the food was bland, so I doused it with pepper spray. The chef wanted to protest, but he didn’t, because I had the pepper spray."

"This morning, as I was driving to work, I mistook a big brown box on the side of the road for a deer. It was dark, and I swerved at the last second, and even though it wasn’t a deer, I still managed to nail that son of a bitch."

"I was in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long."

"I’ll wear a maze on a necklace, dangling over my chest, because if you want to get at my heart, you have to be ready to lose yourself."

"I love deeply. I love long. I love wide and high. That's right, my love is interdimensional, and my vortex will heal your body and soul."

"The wind may be invisible, but it’s colored by memories of you, as you gently blew into my life, adding motion and emotion to my still-beating heart."

"Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire."

"I fight like a rocking chair in a boxing ring. That’s also how I make love. I should probably sell popcorn at my shows to boost revenue."

"My cat is ignorant of the law. But then so am I. That means I am not his master, because we are both slaves."

"If you need me I’ll be sitting over there, on the ground, next to the empty chair. The emptiness always reminds me of your love."

"The only problem with dreaming is it's a solo activity. Imagine how glorious life would be if we could share dreams and create in unison."

"Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance."

"The word very will vary in muchiness. I love you very much, and that won’t vary from day to day."

"She said she'd love me forever. That was two days ago, so I should probably ask her again if she still feels the same way."

"Professional wrestling is a lot like cuddling, I thought as I hugged a tree. As far as lumberjacks go, I’m slow, but when the tree finally falls for me, it falls hard."

"We made love like two coiled up fire hoses. When there’s no fire in the romance, why not act like a couple of sleeping snakes?"