humor

"Yes, the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively."

"I connect to humor really deeply, so I feel really comfortable just being in funny projects."

"He specialized in the murder of dreams, Hazel Grace..."

"It's easier to sit there and say you don't like feminists because they don't have a sense of humor."

"I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy."

"Comedy, we may say, is society protecting itself - with a smile."

"Number of empty Ben & Jerry's containers: 3 -- two mint chocolate cookie, one plain vanilla. (Who buys plain vanilla ice cream from Ben & Jerry's, anyway? Is there a greater waste?)"

"Love is a process, either growing or shrinking, but never stagnant. My love for you was David, and now it is Goliath. Also, my love for you was Goliath, and now it is David."

"Mythologically speaking, if there's anything I hate worse than trios of old ladies, it's bulls. Last summer, I fought the Minotaur on top of Half-Blood Hill. This time what I saw up there was even worse: two bulls. And not just regular bulls - bronze ones the size of elephants. And even that wasn't bad enough. Naturally they had to breathe fire, too."

"Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts."

"I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married."

"Who knew hitting my head and passing out would be so much fun?"

"Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself."

"My ex-girlfriend was exquisite, while my current girlfriend is merely quisite. The ex always makes the past seem more excellent than the present."

"Taking a break. Been working solid for the last few hours, as opposed to working liquid, which is more drinkable. Can I pour you a glass of productivity?"

"If Marilyn Monroe was alive right now, what would she be doing?'Clawing at the roof of her coffin."

"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."

"[In the Universe it may be that] Primitive life is very common and intelligent life is fairly rare. Some would say it has yet to occur on Earth."

"I wear a glove to honor all the men who have given me a hand. And to think, out of all those men, they only had one hand. No wonder I never get any high-fives."

"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."