humor

"30% of the time I am successful 70% of the time. That’s 100% in my book—a book that happens to have a page count that’s 21% Reduced Fat."

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

"I was supposed to be waiting up here when you got back, only your Phoenix lot got in the way...”“Yes, they do that,” said Dumbledore."

"I'm the warlock who's here to cure you. Didn't they tell you I was coming?""I know who you are, but..."Maia looked dazed. "You look so...so...shiny."

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt."

"EARLY BIRDOh, if you’re a bird, be an early birdAnd catch the worm for your breakfast plate.If you’re a bird, be an early early bird--But if you’re a worm, sleep late."

"I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic."

"You're kidding,"Shane said. "Do you think I want to visit Crazy McTeeth in his lair of insanity?""No,"Claire said, "but I'm pretty sure you won't like it if I go alone when I just kind of promised to be with you. So...?""Right. I've been missing Nutty McFang anyway.""Stop making up names for him.""What about Count Crackula?""Just stop."

"I have a great mind to believe in Christianity for the mere pleasure of fancying I may be damned."

"Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."

"Life is never all one thing. It bounces around. Certainly, my own life has. Look at Woody Allen's funny movies - all the humor comes out of sad stuff. Sometimes you have to laugh, no matter what life deals you."

"I'd like to explore the more abstract side of people's minds, as opposed to the usual sitcom stuff. I don't want to do the typical sitcom-type humor. I'd want to do stuff like go bowling with pineapples."

"The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit."

"Life goal: Swim in a lake full of soup, and instead of bathing suits we’ll wear Ziploc bags while we make love like we’re feeding the homeless."

"I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor."

"If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together."

"I was a little excited but mostly blorft. "Blorft"is an adjective I just made up that means 'Completely overwhelmed but proceeding as if everything is fine and reacting to the stress with the torpor of a possum.' I have been blorft every day for the past seven years."

"I just rely on natural talent,"said Adrian, strolling up to the start of the Dragon's Lair. "When you have such a wealth of it to draw from, the danger comes from having too much."

"On the night of the murder I was at home, asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me."

"Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads."