humor

"The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat."

"Combine a fog machine and a cotton candy maker to create delicious mystery. This is the heart of romance."

"You could start a fire with the heat between you two.""You're mistaking bitter animosity for heartfelt affection."

"You know how confusing the whole good-evil concept is for me."

"I suppose I'll have to add the force of gravity to my list of enemies."

"He couldn’t see why people made such a fuss about people eating their silly old fruit anyway, but life would be a lot less fun if they didn’t. And there was never an apple, in Adam’s opinion, that wasn’t worth the trouble you got into for eating it."

"I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird."

"I’d heard you were dead.”"I heard you wear a red lace corset,” I said matter-of-factly. “But I don’t believe every bit of nonsense that gets rumored about."

"A bear, however hard he tries, grows tubby without exercise."

"I ate a rainbow in a bowl, because it’s better than eating rain soup. Food and water aren’t supposed to be one and the same."

"It infuriates me to be wrong when I know I'm right."

"Francis Bacon has the most delicious last name ever, followed closely by Johnny Scrambledeggs. I make love like those two guys make breakfast out of family reunions."

"Since the goal of my programs is to show audiences how humor can both help them heal as well as deal with not-so-funny stuff, I decided to discuss the events of the previous week, the pain all of us were feeling, and how humor and some laughter might be beneficial."

"Tyler lies back and asks, "If Marilyn Monroe were alive right now, what would she be doing?"I say, goodnight.The headliner hangs down in shreds from the ceiling and Tyler says, "Clawing at the lid of her coffin."

"I mined my mind, and I found no love. My heart is where excavation yields gold, and if you dig me as much as I dig you, we can both get rich."

"There's something about Southern women that is so unique yet so universal. Strong southern women are allowed to be soft and feminine and have a sense of humor. But what I love about Southern women in particular is their universality."

"I love a man with a great sense of humor and who is intelligent - a man who has a great smile. He has to make me laugh. I like a man who is very ambitious and driven and who has a good heart and makes me feel safe. I like a man who is very strong and independent and confident - that is very sexy - but at the same time, he's very kind to people."

"When I was young, I was 13 going on 31. Then when I was 30 going on 31, I was 30 going on 29. Now I’m in love and I’ve lost all sense of time—and all the rest of my sense."

"If I had no clothes it’d be winter. If I were naked, it’d be the truth and we could lie together."

"A cavalryman's horse should be smarter than he is. But the horse must never be alowed to know this."